What you've got here is a really fantastic 1,000-word feature story. Unfortunately, it took you 1,800 words to tell it.
You've got a lot of natural ability. Really. But you're trying to be more of a stylist than your experience justifies. It took Jeff MacGregor and Tom Junod a decade or two to write like Jeff MacGregor and Tom Junod. Reel it back and get your basics down before you try extending metaphors through paragraphs or writing 60-word sentences on a consistent basis.
I'm curious as to how you planned out this story. Did you organize an outline at all? It doesn't seem that way. Stream-of-consciousness can lead to bad places for feature stories. I think you had a great idea near the beginning to start with this concept of them coming up with the idea on a dorm-room floor (assuming that's a concrete detail; you can't make shirt like that up, so I hope you're certain of it). But the paragraph you built that on was overwrought. The birthing metaphor didn't work. I can't figure out how gypsies are relevant, and stillbirth isn't something to toss around lightly. Moreover, you were burying the plan itself.
Build your story arch before you start writing. Concentrate on accomplishing the story arch, not writing for the sake of writing. You show a lot of talent, but you're burdened by the meandering thoughts and unintentional repetition and unfocused details. Hitchcock had a theory that developed into the concept of MacGuffin: Don't include anything that isn't directly relevant. Don't mislead your audience. As you write more and work with good editors (I'm guessing you've got little in the way of editing at Rant Sports), you'll learn when you can throw in a detail for the sake of a detail. But for now, it's best to consider economy of words and thoughts. There's no space limitations online, but that doesn't mean you should be writing such long pieces. I'm guessing very few people will make it to the end of this piece, but a tightened, 1,000-word version could be outstanding.
