Most recent feature

[Patrick Murphy]

Hello everyone. I know the other was a joint byline between me and the other sports reporter. Here is just my own byline: Adams County Christian School recent graduate advances to national rodeo finals - Mississippi's Best Community Newspaper

My editor and I did meet twice before this went to publication, which was a good thing, to say the least.

 

[Col. Nathan R. Jessup]

Hi, Patrick. Just the fact that you open yourself up to critiques is a good sign. This isn't a bad article. It's got the nuts-and-bolts details that are necessary.

I would suggest working on your lede-writing. You pretty much jumped right into the nut graf, which isn't a terrible thing, but when you're dealing with a topic and an individual that most readers don't know about, you should give them a little reason to care.

Something like this would be more effective:
Conventional careers didn't interest Win Mardis at 6 years old.
The Natchez resident had seen his uncle, Kyle Irwin, win a handful of rodeo events in the Southwest, spurring Mardis' interest in events like steer wrestling.
"Some sort of quote about what he specifically likes about steer wrestling, perhaps painting a picture in the reader's head as to what it is," Mardis said.
Years of practice will have finally paid off July 17, when Mardis, now 18, competes in the weeklong National High School Rodeo ashociation Finals at the Lazy E Arena in Guthrie, Oklahoma.

 

[WriteThinking]

Col. Nathan R. Jessup's point and suggestion is valid and good. It would make the story more of a full-on feature, rather than, essentially, a straight-news, extended gamer-type thing.

I've enjoyed rodeos when I've watched them, myself, but most people, including me, don't actually know that much about them, or the activities involved from the viewpoint of the competitors.

My suggestion, in order to, again, advance the story as a full-on, actual feature, would have been to add in more explanation and quoted narration of what actually happens in those action-packed seconds of activity, and how do they feel, and why do you like it, etc. What's the (adrenelin) rush? In other words, I look at that guy jumping/falling off his horse, onto a steer, and wonder, what does he feel? Does it hurt? How exactly does it feel to wrestle a steer, and how much strength (or skill) does it take to bring it down? How much does the animal fight, and what does that feel like as you're trying grab the animal, etc.Also, more specifics about the training of the horses and the relationship between horse and rider...

Familiarize people with what a rodeo actually is, and what it might feel/be like if they readers/spectators were the ones actually involved, or at least help them understand the appeal of the activity for the story subject. You know what I mean?

It would make the story more interesting, make the involvement, education and interest of the readers increase, and make people care more about the subject.