17 words I absolutely, positively could have lived without hearing

It was one of those deals where I thought of 100 great lines later, but the fact of my then-68-year-old FIL asking me that question just turned by brain into a jar of mashed turnips.

 

hey, kids. i'm almost 50, so i find all this somewhat encouraging.

 

I think I might be able to match you. My fiancee's family has quite an ability to reproduce -- scary thought, I know.
But yesterday, her mom dropped this gem.
"There were times your dad would look at me, have that twinkle in his eye, and I'd just be knocked up."
Aside from her slipping in a "reverse cowboy" it was almost as bad as watching Brokeback with her.

 

You could have done so much more with that...

Officer: The next auction is a pair of used panties that we pulled off a prostitute.

Quagmire: 50 bucks!

Officer: She had nine STDs.

Quagmire: 45 bucks!

Officer: And she soiled herself when we caught her.

Quagmire [looking around]: 50 bucks!

 

Muahahahahaha. Now THAT is a new way to tell the old eight-second joke.

 

Two stories: both involving my grandparents.

While driving my grandfather and his sister back from central Florida to central Alabama, my 73 year old gramps somehow carried on a conversation about not being able to "get it up." With his sister in the back seat. Granted, she's no spring chicken and we're all adults, but it was almost the most embarassing conversation I've ever had.

Now the most embarassing.

Grandparents and grandpa's sister (she's my grandmother's bingo/casino buddy) visit Mrs. tbf and I for the weekend. Grandpa's in the bedroom taking his daily noon-2 nap, when my grandmother breaks into the constipation conversation. "I've just been so constipated here lately," Granny says. "But I gotta go now." "I wish I could do that," Bingo Buddy replies.

And it only got worse from there. Wifey and I felt like crawling underneath the couch. That could quite possibly be the worst 20 minutes of my life.

 

How about:

"IJAG is coming to visit your house and she's going to be staying for a long time" ?

 

My parents, my dad especially, are two of the most "sharing" people I know. I mean, they have all the discretion of landmines.

Example:

They bequeath to my wife and I this nice set of patio furniture last summer, not long after we bought our house and they sold theirs.

So, a little while later, the four of us -- my parents, my wife, and I -- are sitting on the deck in these chairs. And my dad says, grabbing the arms of his chair a little tightly, "You know, I have great memories of these chairs."

And I was like, "Great memories? Of patio furniture?"

And my dad says, "Yeah, your mother and I had sex on them during the blackout. It was beautiful. City in darkness, stars out, and your mother and I outside, in these chairs..."

My wife nearly threw up on the spot. And within minutes, we had a roaring bonfire in the backyard, fueled by patio furniture.

The scars, however, remain.

 

Ya know, you really should have seen an answer like that coming. Why else would anybody remember patio furniture?

 

Outing alert: Embittered's mother-in-law ...



"I'll have what she's having."