50 Shades of Grey: Not the story of Big Ben's penis

Five simple rules to follow during BDSM:

1. Set the mood. Candles and music can create an atmosphere of openness. So can darkness and silence. So can an audience or a camcorder. Choose carefully what you're most comfortable with before the fucking. We recommend early Slayer. The underground stuff before Show No Mercy. Fucking right.

2. Words destroy orgasms. It's important to remember to zip up leather hoods and tighten ball gags before intimacy begins. There are no safe words in BDSM because safety is a luxury afforded only to the boring. There are no safe words because there is no opt out to the pain that creates pleasure. BDSM is an experience of mutual pain and pleasure, one that can't be stopped until all is finished.

3. Privacy equals intimacy. The BDSM experience is often ruined by nosy coworkers and friends. Keep all markings of a good time to personal locations. Avoid wearing clothing that would display bite marks, lashes, hickeys, open wounds, bruises, burns, scars, tire tracks and other love markings. Those same spots, though, should be easy to find. There's no rush greater than the personal nostalgia of seeing the rippled flesh from a previous night's spiked-chain beating.

4. Piercings are for professionals. It's really that fucking simple. Related: Neosporin is your friend.

5. This is not a partnership. One participant should be the giver, the other the receiver. It's crucial to remember these roles and handle them with deftness and unflinching honesty. A submissive participant must understand they are there to handle the brunt of the dominant participant's desires, as only then will they gain the pleasure of pleasing another. Avoid eye contact. Sex and love cannot cross paths without emotion and caring and embarrassment entering the fray. My penis softens at the thought.

 

50 Shades with the Nationals:

http://www.thebiglead.com/index.php/2012/07/26/watch-the-nationals-bullpen-read-50-shades-of-grey-to-each-other/

 

The greatest Christmas gift I have discovered thus far:



And the back:

 

Obviously, baked chicken is included in that book.

 

We've got Mustard-Spanked Chicken, Cream-Slicked Chick, Cock au Vin, Dripping Thighs, Pound Me Tender Chicken, Inner Greek Goddess Chicken Salad, Safeword Golden Chicken and Backdoor Beer-Can Chicken. Just to name a few.

 

Is this how you stuff it?

 

Yep! The only thing missing is a butt plug.

 

Choke The Chicken?

 

Bump

The sequel to this piece of shit debuts Friday and not one peep from SJ.com/perverts? Sad!

Against my will, I was dragged to this thing Friday night by my girlfriend. Sitting among a packed house of chirpy white chicks I somehow managed to hate this movie 20 times more than the first part that I was forced to watch.

I'll be nice and save spoilers, even though I want to go on a full blown rant. Here's one spoiler that isn't: neither of these dopey cheeseballs can act their way out of a paper bag. And the sex scenes that get these Panera eating motherfuckers all hot and steamy are some of the most passionless, formulaic pablum I've ever seen. This is basically a Cinemax after Dark movie in theaters.

 

Yeah it's hell being surrounded by horny women, at least one of whom is willing to go to bed with me afterwards. Hate it when that happens.

 

Hope you stopped to buy some handcuffs on your way home.

 

About the time the first movie came out, I would buy a few groceries at Super Kmart on weekday afternoons because I was ALWAYS the only one there. So one day, I decided to peruse the book, knowing that no one would ever walk by. (Just reading, by the way.)

If the movie was anything like the book, it must have been the dullest experience ever.

BTW, that Kmart is a thing of the past.