A place for open letters to the good people of the world.

Dear letter writer,

In response to this wonderfully-crafted inquiry:

"I was just wandering why there is never anything in the paper about the JV girls or the JV boys. We have called before and was told that you guys just were not there that early. I understand if nobody can be there that early but couldn't somebody get the stats and put those in atleast? There are some people that would like to know how they did. People have kids/grandkids that play on those teams and would like to read about them in the paper also. Appreciate you listening. Thanks (Mrs. Podunkus)"

Line-by-line:
* - There's been a paragraph about the JV game at the end of every varsity article for the past 15 years. The words "JUNIOR VARSITY" appear in bold type and all caps to draw your attention to it.
* - I doubt you've called. No one would give you that answer. I'm usually there early enough to see the second half of the girls' JV game and check the scorebook myself. And the JV boys coach always brings his book over.
* - The key word is "some." This is why it's a paragraph. Anyone who scored at least 10 points is listed or the game's leading scorer if no one had 10.
* - "People have kids/grandkids that play on those teams..." One of those, obviously, being you. If not, you wouldn't be complaining. After all, it takes being in the paper to prop up your Little Johnny's self-esteem.
* - I'm not listening. You wrote an e-mail. You should thank me for reading.

(Up) Yours,

Apeman

P.S.: As soon as I find out who your son/grandson is, I'll begin my conspiracy to make sure he never receives an athletic scholarship.

Edit: And as expected, she went with the "They work just as hard as the varsity" card in her reply. Now that I understand that she doesn't get it, the conspiracy begins immediately.

 

Dear Emmy Rossum,

You are perfect. And stunning. And amazing in every way. And I want to do you until you die of dehydration.

Rethinking the heterosexual way of life,

IJAG

 

Dear cum-guzzling radio geeks in my town,
Thank you all (or most of you) for being in New orleans already for the cum-guzzling SEC lovefest.
That way, I dont have to hear about the cum-guzzling Dabo Swinney lovefest in the face of that polesmoking by West By God....

 

Lieslntx,

I've had mine for three months, and I don't think I can go a couple of days without that sensation. I'm still waiting for the smartphone to change my life... but I guess I haven't found the right app yet?

laptop-bound,
PaperDoll

 

Dear Lieslntx & PaperDoll,

Still fine her with my "dumbphone" and glad to have it. I can text and talk...I have a laptop to do the rest.
Heck, I've been offered a "free" smartphone (of course, my bill would go up since I would have to have a data plan) by Verizon and I turned them down cold.

I rock!

Signed,
Spike

 

Dear slappy,

You've stopped your alternate-nostril-breathing relaxation exercizes again, haven't you?

Worriedly,

w'tart

 

Dear writers,

You will never, even right against deadline, get an "in fact," "as a matter of fact," "the truth is," "to be fair" or "in all honesty" by me unless you explain to me why the other sentences in your story were not factual and fair. But I do appreciate the daily copy-editing test.

Sincerely,

Verse.

 

Board,

I know I haven't always been the pillar of good behavior (behaviour for you Canuckistanis) on here. I've apologized numerous times to numerous people for it, sometimes for the good, sometimes for the worse. It's days like this that make me realize how precious life is and how treating others with more respect is often something I fail to do, but am trying to work on.

Why the explanation?

Well, just realized that today would've been my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. Mom's not here. And Dad really hasn't been here since she left us.

If I could've emulated my mother's attitude toward some of you, then I wouldn't be on some of your shit lists. Just something I was contemplating and I'd like to think my attitude on here has changed somewhat. It's humbling looking back at what an ass I've been in the past to some of you over stupid shit like sports teams and realizing that my mother never would've stood for that kind of BS.

I feel blessed for being raised in a good home with two loving people. And I'd just like to say that I'm trying to be a better man for my mother's memory and for my interactions on and off this board.

Thanks for listening,
Happy 40th Mom and Dad. Wish you were Mom.

T_D

 

Dear Board,
The Bengals-Texans game is playing on both TVs in the newsroom, and two guys on our copydesk are going nuts about it. One guy isn't really a fan -- he just pretends to be one because his friend is. This is a guy who didn't give a shit about sports until a year or so ago ...

Listening to them is really grinding my gears.

KY

 

Jelly,

Headphones. Invest in them.

T_D

 

T_D,
I'd still hear the insufferable bastards because they're so fucking loud and annoying.

KY

 

KY,

Take a sledgehammer to the TVs and the deskers.
Problem solved.

ST