A place for open letters to the good people of the world.

Sweet Tomatoes; Shakey's; Old Country Buffet, lend me your plates;

I come to bury your salad in Caesar dressing, not to praise it.
The evil that men ingest soon manifests.
The good is often interred with partially hydrogenated oils;
So let it be with Caesar dressing. The noble cashier
Hath told you the salad bar was free:
If it were so, it was a grievous lie,
And grievously hath saturated fat answer'd it.
Here, under lamps of heat and the rest --
For the cashier hath worked here three full weeks,
So have they all, all experienced in food service --
Come I to speak in your salad's funeral.
It was your friend, healthy and reasonable to you:
But science says it is of no nutritional value;
And science is an honorable jurisdiction.
It hath brought many valuable studies to man
Whose results encouraged wine-drinking at home:
Did this in science seem pandering?

 

Dear, Verse,

Who's Peggy Olson?

Evil

 

Dear Board,

Outing alert: Tom Petty is really Almonzo Wilder.

And he still yells "whoa" when he tries to drive one of those damn horseless carriages.

-- I Should Coco

 

Dear Evil ... Thy name is Orville Redenbacher!!,

Peggy Olson is Elisabeth Moss' character in Mad Men.

Yours truly,

Verse

 

Dear DC,

It's been fun. But wow, I'm excited to get home to my girls tomorrow.

Thanks,
CP

 

Dear Woman who said I was making noise when I wasn't,

Stop being such a fucking drama queen you bitch! If you want perfect quiet, put yourself in the vacuum of space.

Sincerely,

A very pissed off forever_town

 

Dear Forever Town,

Shhh... Quiet, man.

Regards,

Quiet Man

 

Dear f_t:

Had a similar situation once. Got a letter from the apartment manager that the tenant below me was complaining that I walked too loud. And this was less than a month after I had demanded to move to another apartment after the landlord had put his alcoholic son below me. I had never called to cops before in the first 5 1/2 years I lived there but I called them four times in the five months he was below me.

Then it turned out this chick I was "bothering" by daring to use my 9 1/2 EEEEs* to move about my apartment was engaged to the landlord's other son.

I moved out.

Yours,

Apeman

[size=8pt]* - Yep, short, wide feet. I love hate shopping for shoes.

 

Dear ladies of the board,

DO NOT buy the new Tom's of Maine antiperspirant/deodorant (their first antiperspirant). I'm pretty sedentary and don't sweat very much, so I can't speak to its antiperspirant qualities, but the deodorant part? Not so good. I smell. Not strong enough for anyone at work to have noticed (I hope, I hope, I hope), but I just caught a whiff of myself and jumped right into the shower. Ick.

Consider yourself warned,

Dyno

 

Dear y'all,

I've always wondered when "jumped the shark" jumped the shark. Somewhere, Fonzie weeps.

Just sayin'
Dools

 

Dear all,

While my mom was watching Colbert Report tonight she recognized a guy she knew. . . .from church. . . . who was featured on the show because he's behind a group pushing anti-immigrant ads in California. . . . which he's doing because he's a virulent white supremacist. Seriously, the SPLC has an online dosier on him and everything.
That's why you should never go to church, you might end up consorting with the wrong sort of people.

-CC

 

Dear best friend:

Thank you for still being here. Next time you suspect heart trouble, don't try to shake it off and go to work. 39 is much too young to die.

Love
dixiehack