A place for open letters to the good people of the world.

Dear Guy Who Plays the Saxophone On a Street Corner During My Lunch Hour,

Thank you. You brighten my day everytime. I get a little hop in my step. You play the classics (there is nothing quite like hearing "When The Saints Go Marching In" played on a sax) and then you play stuff that I don't recognize, but I enjoy anyway. I like you more than the other guys hanging out on the street because they just shake their cup at me. But you have a skill and you use it to make my day just that much better and that is why I always try to drop at least a dollar in your case everytime I walk past. Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,

The Pope

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Dear Other Guys Hanging Out On The Street Corner,

Learn to play the fucking saxophone.

Sincerely,

The Pope

 

Dear idiot drivers in my town,

Not only is the on-ramp for getting up to speed (as was so eloquently mentioned above), but you are allowed to turn right on red. I swear. It's completely and utterly legal. That means at lights, if you're going straight, do not cheat so far to the right I can't get up on your side to make my right turn. It also means if you're making said right turn, you can make it ANY TIME THERE'S NO PEDESTRIANS OR ONCOMING TRAFFIC. The fact that you sit there and wait for the light to turn to make your right turn makes me turn very interesting shades of red.

Additionally, the speed limit on the two-lane road the locals call a loop is 65. Not 45, the speed many of you drive in the left hand lane when I'm running late. The speed limit does not mean you have to go that speed, but you should be in the general neighborhood of that speed so you don't slow down the traffic behind you. Also - this trick of two cars going 45 right next to each other, thereby forcing me to go 45 behind both of you? Not cool.

Finally, wonderful city desk writers at my paper, the so-called loop being backed up three exits is not "snarled" traffic. To be snarled, traffic must keep you inching forward with significant difficulty getting off the freeway for at least five miles. Going 30 through three exits is mildly congested, or the normal 3:30 p.m. traffic patterns in my college city.

Please please please... learn to drive?

Kritter

 

Dear world,

You're great and wonderful and beautiful, and life with you is fantastic.

Love,

A ridiculously happy shooter

 

Dear World, Take II


Dear World,

Blow me you inconsiderate fucks.



Love,

Bitter old hack

 

Dear world,

If you haven't watched the BBC's Blue Planet and Planet Earth series, which I believe were also shown on the Discovery Channel, you should rush out and rent the DVDs post haste. The wonderful David Attenborough narrates them both and they are simply two of the greatest, most amazing things I've ever seen. The camera work and the shots they get will blow you away.

Love,

John

 

Dear people of Tennessee:

Is the speed limit 20 mph on all your roads? Or was is just the moron with Tennessee plates I was just following.

Your friend,
friend

 

Dear David,

Rumor has it you're the one who smashed a boulder through my windshield the other night. What's up with that, son? So I literally snatched your girlfriend from you in high school, "ruined your life," etc. That was more than three years ago, I thought you recently and at long last got over it.

I don't know if you really broke the glass, but a lot of people say you did. We crossed paths at Safeway earlier that night and you were hammered. You left the store walking in the direction of my house, but we didn't even exchange words, we hardly acknowledged each other. I don't know what to believe.

If you're the vandal, you cost me $400 out of pocket, which will likely prevent me from drinking with a random group of sportswriters in Texas this summer.

Suck a dick (no homo),
CradleRobber

P.S. She's still in my life, David 8) :-X

 

Dear Google:

Google Earth effin' rocks.

Yours in tribute, etc etc

Dear NASA:

World Wind refused to load on my system. What gives?

Yours perplexedly, etc etc

 

Dear people of Tennessee,

How dare you drive 20 mph in front of Friend. You need to take lessons from me. I drove through Tennessee today maintaining an average of 20 mph over the speedlimit. (Only on the interstates, I'm not that crazy) I really wasn't in any hurry to get home, I just kept looking down and realizing I was going too fast.

 

Dear people of the world,

Do you realize how awesome KG is? She loves sports, drives fast and is nice to everyone around her. Cut her a break, will ya?

Best wishes,

Il Papa

 

Dear George, my friend's dog,

You are fucking lucky I didn't murder you today, you fucking mutt. Why is it that you wait until I am dogsitting before you fucking take a massive shit in the fucking kitchen? And when I have you outside while I try to keep my gag reflex down long enough to clean up your fucking shit, don't fucking whimper at me through the patio dorr, you fucking sorry-ass excuse for a mangy mutt. I should have strangled you with my bare hands and told your owners that you ran away, you fucking asshole. See if I ever bring you a bone again.

Sincerely,

The Pope

 

Dear George the dog,

Where are your manners? If you want to retaliate because Mommy and Daddy left you there, save that stuff for them.

KG