A place for open letters to the good people of the world.

Dear UT,

We're not sure we're "Great," but you're coming in late spring-early summer, which next to early autumn is the only good hair day we have, so welcome, please feel free to partake of our local establishments and microbrews. Also, feel free to contact our residents about the aforementioned. They're usually in a pretty good mood this time of year.

Sincerely,
New England

 

Dear Mert,

It seems you have some level of expertise I need to use to my advantage. Excellent.

Love,

UT

 

Dear God,

Please welcome Stack Bundles with open arms.

Thanks,
CR

 

Dear UT,

Drive safe.


Tomas

 

Dear Tom,

I had planned to be reckless and perhaps tailgate a tractor-trailer or two, but because of my tremendous respect for you, I have altered those plans to include only safe driving methods.



UT

 

Dear UT,

Go ahead and smoke the tires, run little old ladies off the road and beat some mail boxes along the way. Just kidding. Have a safe trip. ;D

KG

 

Dear UT,

May your trip be filled with adventure and small towns. Stay away from men with hatchets and machetes, but go with the ones that offer you candy. Enjoy the land where the syrup is flowing and by late-August it will be snowing. Say hello to some locals for they might know me. Have a good trip.

Mayfly

 

Dear person in the Rav4 (who is not UT),

I know you seem to be in a hurry and are frustrated that there are cars in both lanes of the two-lane highway, but you seem rather pathetic weaving from one lane to the next in an effort to get ahead but instead keep getting shuffled back.

Did you not notice that because of your tailgating and lanechanging the black Impala in the left lane would slow down whenever you got behind it and would speed up whenever you tried to pass on the right?

Maybe you could take a deep breath next time and chill out and folks wouldn't be having fun at your expense on the highway.

Cheers,

Ace

 

In that scenario, I would have been the Impala driver. I hate people who weave needlessly.

 

Dear UT —

Please keep your eyes on the road and both hands on the wheel.

Needlessly weavingly yours,

Platy.

 

Dear Avis,

I would appreciate if you would cease and desist with all television advertising effective immediately.

Your commercials are the worst. Heinous. Putrid. And worse than that.

First you give us the dorkmo geek with the 5 o'clock shadow and oily skin who wants to apparently mount his GPS system. Not mount in the way of affix within his car, but mount in terms of doing a little pecker insertion into some naughty bits.

Come on. That's just ridiculous. The only way geekboy gets any action is via the self-spankorama. You know it. We know it.

Then, you follow that up with assaults on both our visual and audio senses that may be worthy of legal action, pending some investigation from my lawyer, Rocco. You force on us people standing mouth agape whilst some horrid Twisted Sister music (I'm being kind with calling it that) blares in a way that makes dogs howl.

First of all, I am not a tonsil inspector and don't need to see down one's esophagus on television. Secondly, we've tried to forget Twisted Sister ever existed; please let's not dredge up this two chord dreck.

I would greatly appreciate if you would show some decency to human kind and destroy all copies of these commercial Hindenburgs.

Oh, and next time you see your marketing team and your advertising firm, slap them silly. Repeatedly.

Or let me know if you would like me to do that.

Regards,

On the National shuttle bus

 

Dear UT,

When driving into upper New England, such as New Hampshire or Vermont, the roads are very easy on which to speed. They are built for drivers and drivers were meant for them. When you are crossing over a bridge, watch out for the police sitting on the opposite side behind either a boulder or another large object. They love to sit there and watch your face as you drop a brick in your pants.

Mayfly