A place for open letters to the good people of the world.

Dear people who own the cleaners,

You don't know it, but I almost quit today. Instead I sat down in the floor and cried until I felt better.

Guess what? I'm still quitting, just not today. Soon, though, and I can't guarantee you're going to get a lot of warning.

Lots of love,

UT

 

Dear Chazp,
quit reopening year old threads for pithy comments like "LOL" and "Yeah, she's hot"

Signed
s-fucking-j.com

 

UT is quickly becoming my favorite poster evah.

dear paul banks and the member of interpol:

thanks a lot for deciding to grace my hometown's presence with a show next month. i'm sick and fucking tired of shit acts like kenny chesney coming to town and having the lukewarm collective IQ of the masses sellout consecutive shows. and i don't live down south.

dear town i currently reside in:

styx? reo? the doobies? foghat? eddie money? are you fucking serious? i might as well jump in front of a fucking train, although my ex probably thinks this is going to be the greatest summer for concerts she'll ever witness. and no, you have no human rights, hun, if you like the shit music known as "modern day aerosmith." p.s. john lennon died 28 fucking years ago. get over it. you weren't even fucking alive when he died. there are better bands to listen to nowadays than the fucking beatles.

one more thing: no, i'm not waking up at 5 a.m. to go running with you. jim fixx out front should have told you.

-JM

 

Dear Jim,

Thanks.

UT

Dear world,

This is one of my favorite movie scenes:

It's the funeral from FWaaF, with the Auden poem.

Love,

UT


Dear Papa UT,

You're the best, even if you gave me your cold.

Love you bunches,

Your little girl

 

Dear Former Boss:

Thanks for hiring me and putting up with my numerous mistakes (like the two-column focal picture) without giving my neck the loving two-handed embrace it probably deserved.

Signed,
Appreciative Ex-Newbie.

 

Dear Sarah Chalke,

I love you. Please marry me.

Signed,

HB

 

Dear HB,
No.

Signed,
Sarah Chalke

 

Dear UTshooter,

You're a female?

Sincerely,

CentralIllinoisian

 

Dear cast and crew of Finding Forrester,

You have made a wonderful film, not to be confused wtih an ordinary movie. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Spuparoo

 

Dear CI,

Yes, sir.

I understand how you might be confused by the atrocious handwriting which accompanied your SS gift. Though it did include my real name, which is a bit of a giveaway as to my gender.

UT

 

Dear Convenience Store Cashier,

Please do not touch any part of my hand, incidentally or otherwise, right hand or left hand, when you give me my change. Kindly tilt your hand at a 45-degree angle and slide the silver into my open palm. Tilt, slide and release. Practice makes perfect.

I have the honor to be
Your obt servant,

Lee Jackson Beauregard

 

That's unnecessarily hurtful, slappy.