Alcoholic Wife. The breaking point.

Thank you sir! I am actively seeking that group. And I will try to join one this Monday right after work. This is for the spouses that are going through hardships with their loved one, correct? Or are we in a group with those who are battling their addiction?

 

No, Al-Anon is for people who are living with the effects of alcoholism and/or substance abuse, whether right now or in the past. That might mean adult children of alcoholic parents, parents of children whether 15 or 35 who are out of control, spouses current or ex-, all sorts of people dealing with the pain and madness that has been inflicted on them. I hope that there are multiple groups that you can access, because each is a little different and it helps if you find a group of people you are comfortable with. Each group tends to have a core group of long timers who stabilize things and kind of set the tone. That said, if you stay engaged and listen, there are pearls of wisdom and tools you can use mentioned at nearly every meeting. When I mention tools, I mean ways to handle things that hurt you or make you crazy, how to deal with your qualifier (the person whose addiction has landed you in meetings), how to defuse a situation. It might be as simple as refusing to argue about something by saying "Well, you may be right." You don't agree, disagree, or argue about it. You just say something that is somewhat agreeable and try to move on to another topic.

There is a woman at my home group who tends to blather on about all sorts of things that have no real bearing on me. I tend to sigh and kinda tune her out when she gets going. Then came the day that in the middle of all her talking in verbal circles she said something that rang so true it was like someone had tapped a musical triangle. It just chimed with a truth I needed to hear. I learned something that day. If you keep an open mind you can find help and good ideas even from unlikely sources. When you talk to these people and listen to their stories you learn that no matter how insane and out of control your life is, many of them have made it through worse, and they are not appalled by your life. You go in there convinced that your pain and problems are horrible and unique, and then someone sitting near you tells about her son not coming home on Christmas Eve, and getting a call at ten in the morning in the middle of the whole family's Christmas morning at Grandma's asking that she come bail him out of jail. You listen and realize that there are infinite levels of this particular hell and that some of yours are actually not all that unusual or horrible by comparison.

One thing to watch for is how the group reacts to people who tell their story. If they say "Well, what you ought to do is...", that's something of a red flag. What you *should* be hearing is something on the order of "Well, I went through something that was very much like that, and what I found helpful was to...".

You may be uncomfortable at first. You don't know these people, and you can't imagine opening up and spreading your dirty laundry, spilling your guts in front of these strangers. Keep coming back. You'll find that these people, from all walks of life and backgrounds, have been there and done that, and they can offer valuable perspective. It's good to have someone tell you that all the things that are tearing your life apart are not your fault, or to offer a very neutral, non-judgemental perspective that you don't have because you are too close to the problem. Over time they become a family of sorts, a family you choose to join, a team of people who support each other, no matter how unlikely that relationship might look to someone who isn't in those rooms.

Don't be in a hurry to "join". Just go to meetings as often as you can. Odds are good that you'll find a meeting or some particular people who really seem to have their shit together and offer you their support and the benefit of what they have learned over time. All the meetings have an identical format, yet they can be very individual in how well you respond to them, your engagement and comfort level.

There is also Ala-Teen, for children caught up in their parent's addiction, if that might be appropriate. If so, my recommendation would be that the parent go for a while and learn how it works before starting them, but they have to be the judge there.

 

"Neutral Corner, post: 4530963, member: 147920"]No, Al-Anon is for people who are living with the effects of alcoholism and/or substance abuse, whether right now or in the past. That might mean adult children of alcoholic parents, parents of children whether 15 or 35 who are out of control, spouses current or ex-, all sorts of people dealing with the pain and madness that has been inflicted on them. I hope that there are multiple groups that you can access, because each is a little different and it helps if you find a group of people you are comfortable with. Each group tends to have a core group of long timers who stabilize things and kind of set the tone. That said, if you stay engaged and listen, there are pearls of wisdom and tools you can use mentioned at nearly every meeting. When I mention tools, I mean ways to handle things that hurt you or make you crazy, how to deal with your qualifier (the person whose addiction has landed you in meetings), how to defuse a situation. It might be as simple as refusing to argue about something by saying "Well, you may be right." You don't agree, disagree, or argue about it. You just say something that is somewhat agreeable and try to move on to another topic.

There is a woman at my home group who tends to blather on about all sorts of things that have no real bearing on me. I tend to sigh and kinda tune her out when she gets going. Then came the day that in the middle of all her talking in verbal circles she said something that rang so true it was like someone had tapped a musical triangle. It just chimed with a truth I needed to hear. I learned something that day. If you keep an open mind you can find help and good ideas even from unlikely sources. When you talk to these people and listen to their stories you learn that no matter how insane and out of control your life is, many of them have made it through worse, and they are not appalled by your life. You go in there convinced that your pain and problems are horrible and unique, and then someone sitting near you tells about her son not coming home on Christmas Eve, and getting a call at ten in the morning in the middle of the whole family's Christmas morning at Grandma's asking that she come bail him out of jail. You listen and realize that there are infinite levels of this particular hell and that some of yours are actually not all that unusual or horrible by comparison.

One thing to watch for is how the group reacts to people who tell their story. If they say "Well, what you ought to do is...", that's something of a red flag. What you *should* be hearing is something on the order of "Well, I went through something that was very much like that, and what I found helpful was to...".

You may be uncomfortable at first. You don't know these people, and you can't imagine opening up and spreading your dirty laundry, spilling your guts in front of these strangers. Keep coming back. You'll find that these people, from all walks of life and backgrounds, have been there and done that, and they can offer valuable perspective. It's good to have someone tell you that all the things that are tearing your life apart are not your fault, or to offer a very neutral, non-judgemental perspective that you don't have because you are too close to the problem. Over time they become a family of sorts, a family you choose to join, a team of people who support each other, no matter how unlikely that relationship might look to someone who isn't in those rooms.

Don't be in a hurry to "join". Just go to meetings as often as you can. Odds are good that you'll find a meeting or some particular people who really seem to have their shit together and offer you their support and the benefit of what they have learned over time. All the meetings have an identical format, yet they can be very individual in how well you respond to them, your engagement and comfort level.

There is also Ala-Teen, for children caught up in their parent's addiction, if that might be appropriate. If so, my recommendation would be that the parent go for a while and learn how it works before starting them, but they have to be the judge there.[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much! That meant a lot! I found the schedule, fortunately, there’s one meeting everyday but at different locations. I hope get to feel the right set of group of people. It’s a struggle for me just filing out these dissolution forms but deep down I seriously believed I made the right choice. I’m bailing out. And this is where it’s going to be really interesting because I don’t think my
The cause and effect of my wife, mood swings, and dragging me into this cold and calculated in this stage she threw me and our kids into, is taking a toll on me. me and our kids are hurt, sad, on a profound level. I couldn’t even describe a better picture of how a calm situation goes south instantly, snaps immediately, unprovoked. I realized I had just fooled myself, but I was doing all this because our kids needed me. I was assertive and patient and it panned out, I’ve never been humiliated like this, let alone by the one person that you love the most and sacrificing our kids to get everything from me, determined to meet her goals, no matter what it takes because, I was in the way. There’s no other end result to this but divorce yet, putting me down to the very core is incomprehensible. My wife has no remorse cutting anyone off out of her life, denies she lies, she’s unstable, can not accept accountability, self-centered, can’t handle relationships, compulsive buyer, spontaneous lows and highs, euphoric and then depressed. Has a false sense of reality. From the get-go, she knew she had to get rid of me. I really think she thought when she threw me in the studio, knowing I don’t have a stable job, no money for utilities, food, gas, and everything else that I will have to leave town and live her alone so she can continue on with the life she wanted.
All I did through all these years is understand her, reach out to her and continued to love her, shown kindness and compassion. In return she still showed no empathy, remorse, just escalated our situation out of proportion. I do not have issues. My wife has an issue with me. But, rule of thumb, if you drink - you do not drive, And if you drive - you do not drink. It’s plain and simple. It saves lives and I would like it so much not to ha
would be X would back down and fold. i think she’s enjoying this whole public attention and drama. Not only is she a closet alcoholic, she’s a perfect match to a narcissistic behavior, boy, is she creepy.