Baseball thread No. 8 - play nice

Hank_Scorpio · Jul 24, 2006

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

White Sox get MacDougal from KC for two minor leaguers.

Gutter · Jul 24, 2006

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

Bubbler said:

PopeDirkBenedict said:

Here is how bad my pain is: The 1988 World Series is one of my most cherished childhood memories because the only one the Brewers ever gave me was the 1992 season.
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If it makes you feel any better, I was at County Stadium when the Brewers won the '82 pennant.Â

The Brewers won today, but I'm still in Turnbow medieval mode.

I'm going to take his ass to Wick Park in the old neighborhood, site of my glorious baseball exploits. Actually, it was the site of me letting a ball go through my legs in right field in 8th grade, a three-run error costing powerful St. Sebastian School a shutout. It was humiliating and I teared up on the way home. I was ostracized by my teammates for a week. I'll take Turnbow and tell him, "You see this field? This is the site of one of my most humiliating sports moments." I would assume ugly-ass would utter a guttural, "Uh-huh, big fucking deal."

That's when I kick him squarely in his 'roid-shrunken sack.

"You feel that? That's what you're doing to Brewers fans far and wide. I choose this site so I could humiliate you as I was once humiliated. Now move your ass!"

We proceed west on Vliet Street, me literally putting my boot in his ass for 8 city blocks. Turnbow getting his ass kicked in front of the Four Walls Tavern (don't know if its still called that, but whatever), Turnbow getting his ass kicked in front of Matt's Transmission, Turnbow getting his ass kicked at the corner where I once bought Boy Blue bars from a defunct chain -- getting an extra kick because I'm hungry for one, Turnbow getting his ass kicked in front of the old Melrose Tavern -- where my dad supposedly drank a beer with Rick Majerus, though it was probably just some random obese man who said,"Oh-fense", Turnbow getting his ass kicked until we reach Highland Lanes.

"Sit the fuck down, let's go bowling!" I make him bowl until he can set up a 7-10 split.

This is where guest star Gorman Thomas comes in.

Everytime Turnbow fails to set up a 7-10, Thomas clocks him with a half-mug of original Schlitz and launches into a humiliating tirade of cusswords that would make R. Lee Ermey run like a little bitch.

"You call that long hair, you big pansy? Not only did I have longer hair in my prime, I had mutton-chops too, you fake-ass poser. And don't think I didn't my fair share of trim out of it either. Mark Brouhard's wife -- yeah, I nailed her -- once told me every good reacharound starts with a caress of a muttonchop. It's a theory I tested many times to make sure it was tried and true. And yeah, it was the sexual revolution, buy my Pythagorean getting-in-the-sack number is still way low, mainly because I smelled like County Stadium stadium sauce and a half-eaten George Webb hamburger most of the time."

Finally Turnbow sets up a 7-10.

"Looks pretty easy, doesn't it?" I say. "Kind of like the NL wild card race. Right before the All-Star break, the Brewers were 2 1/2 games out, but your dumb ass keeps blowing chances to stay in it. The Brewers are still sort of in it, but now you have to leapfrog probably six other teams to get there. So the 7-10 is a metaphor for what your sorry ass has done to this team, isn't it?"

"When do we get to kill him?" Thomas said. "I've got Oglivie, Lezcano and Harvey Kuenn's widow ready with a hot muffler and three burning tires in West Allis. Just say the word."

"Uh, err, better hold off on that, Stormin'" I say. "I'm taking Turnbow for a ride."

We make the short drive to Saz's Bar on State Street, near Miller Park.

"I brought you here, Derrick, with every intention of throwing you off the Hawley Street bridge, into the Menominee River. But I didn't, and not just because it's being re-built.

"I brought you here to illustrate one of my great boyhood moments. It was here that I celebrated on Oct. 17, 1982 after the Brewers won the American League pennant. Horns were honking all over Milwaukee, kids like me were in the bars and taverns celebrating -- OK, kids were always in Milwaukee bars -- but that's beside the point.

"We lived and died with that team. I was 11 at the time, no team will ever touch that team in my pantheon of teams that truly touched my heart.

But you know what? I think every Brewers fan who has only had that team to look back on fondly for 24 years now, absolutely aches to move on. As much as I love my '82 Brewers, I so badly want it to happen again. I want a new team to embrace. I want my kids, who are already showing daddy's madness for baseball to potentially have a Brewers team of their own era to respect.

And while no one is going to confuse the current Brewers with the '82, or even the 1987 or 1992 Brewers, the fact is the chance is there. This is the best chance in ages, with the best team make-up since the late 80s. You're hurting us Derrick. You're stealing memories Brewers fans positively would kill to experience again.

But here's the good news. The Brewers are only five games out. You can thank the dog-ass National League for sparing your life.

Now go, take this talk to heart. Stop fucking up.
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It's truly an honor, sir. I don't know if these are tears from laughter or tears from 24 years of sorrow.

Oz · Jul 24, 2006

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

Ricky Deep said:

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2528494

ChiSox now the front-runner for Soriano? Whoa.
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I would love to see the Sox make that trade, then miss the playoffs. It's only right.

leo1 · Jul 24, 2006

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

Oz said:

Ricky Deep said:

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2528494

ChiSox now the front-runner for Soriano? Whoa.
Click to expand...

I would love to see the Sox make that trade, then miss the playoffs. It's only right.
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i'm a twins fan and i was shocked to hear tim kurkjian on friday (or saturday?) night sound convinced that soriano would end up in minny. figures he'd be wrong. terry ryan has never had the guts to pull off a good deadline deal except maybe the shannon stewart-bobby kielty trade a few years back.

soccer dad · Jul 24, 2006

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

hurst was indeed going to be the mvp in 1986.

DyePack · Jul 24, 2006

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

Armchair_QB said:

casty33 said:

So Derrek Lee goes back on the DL with inflammation of that wrist problem. Can any other bad things happen to the Cubs?Â Â
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I was just going to post this.

Glad to know Dusty and Co. don't just rush pitchers back early from injuries. Can't wait to watch Neifi Perez at first base.
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I know you're joking, but it'll be Nevin, Walker (unless he gets dealt) and Mabry. Of course, the Tribune has been saying for weeks Nevin is on the verge of being released. Yet he's still on the team.

Hank_Scorpio · Jul 24, 2006

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

From mlbtraderumors.com: The dreaded "health reason" forces Sanchez to be scratched. Deal imminent?

Humberto Sanchez Scratched
Looks like Tigers prospect Humberto Sanchez has been scratched from tonight's start for the Mud Hens.

Maybe it really is this vague "health reason," or maybe a deal is in the works. Â According to the Boston Globe a few days ago, Sanchez was being scouted by the Nationals, Twins, Diamondbacks, and Pirates last Wednesday.

Hank_Scorpio · Jul 24, 2006

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

Oz said:

Ricky Deep said:

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2528494

ChiSox now the front-runner for Soriano? Whoa.
Click to expand...

I would love to see the Sox make that trade, then miss the playoffs. It's only right.
Click to expand...

A lot of Sox fans think it's a ploy by Kenny Williams to drive up the cost of Soriano. Sox' top pitching prospect Brandon McCarthy is rumored to be the key player going to the Nats.

But most fans on the White Sox board don't think this is happening.

Overrated · Jul 24, 2006

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

What's Kurkjian's percentage on nailing trade rumors?

Oz · Jul 24, 2006

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

Hank_Scorpio said:

A lot of Sox fans think it's a ploy by Kenny Williams to drive up the cost of Soriano. Sox' top pitching prospect Brandon McCarthy is rumored to be the key player going to the Nats.

But most fans on the White Sox board don't think this is happening.
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I kind of thought that, too. Makes sense.

Hank_Scorpio · Jul 24, 2006

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

Overrated said:

What's Kurkjian's percentage on nailing trade rumors?
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On the Fox postgame show Saturday, they commented that Soriano was likely headed to the AL Central.

Then on the postgame show, Kevin Kennedy said that he thought Soriano would be traded, but that he wasn't so sure it would be to the AL Central.

outofplace · Jul 24, 2006

Re: Insult-free baseball thread VIII

Can't always assume being scratched from the lineup means a guy is being traded. That was the rumor when the D-Rays yanked Julio Lugo early Saturday and sat him Sunday. Now it turns out he's hurt and missed the game tonight, too.

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Baseball thread No. 8 - play nice

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Baseball thread No. 8 - play nice

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