Best clean jokes

Two men walk into a bar. Third man ducks.

 

What did the fish say when it bumped its head on a concrete wall?







Damn!

 

Most recent from my 5-year-old:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get more chicken!

I don't know what it means either, but he sure laughs as he's telling it, so then I laugh at him laughing. Yeah...good times.

 

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Pig played in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Pig took a bath.

A priest, a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar. The priest says, "Hey, did you hear the one about us?"

 

From the e-mail archives...

>* What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
> A stick.
>
>* What is a zebra?
> 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
>
>* How do you get holy water?
> Boil the hell out of it.
>
>* How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
> She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
>
>* What do prisoners use to call each other?
> Cell phones.
>
>* What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
> Nacho Cheese.
>
>* What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
> Quatro sinko.
>
>* What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
> A pachydermatologist
>
>* What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
>would kill you?
> A pool table.
>
>* Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
> Because they have big fingers.
>
>* Where do you get virgin wool from?
> Ugly sheep.

 

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

 

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fssssssshhhhhhhhh.








What's long, hard and full of seamen?

A submarine.

 

guy gets pulled over by a cop at 2 am. Cop says "Where are you going?"
Guys says "I'm on my way to a lecture about the dangers of alcohol consumption and irregular sleeping paterns."
"Who's giving a lecture on that this time of night?" asks the cop.
"My wife."

 

What were Tarzan's last words?

Who greased the grapevine?

 

An 80-year old man goes to his yearly physical with his doctor.
After a battery of tests, the doctor comes back and says "Sir, I have some rather distressing news. You have been diagnosed with cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease."
The man is taken aback, but then his mood changes. "Well, that's awful," he says, "but at least I don't have cancer."

 

A pirate walks into a bard with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, "Hey, pirate, why do you have a streering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says, "Aaarggh, I don't know, but it's driving me nuts."

 

What's a word that ends with -unt that describes a woman?

Aunt.