Best clean jokes

Why did the chicken cross the playground?



To get to the other slide.

 

What's black and white and red all over?
A skunk with a diaper rash

 

Guy goes to this doctor for a follow-up on some tests. Doc says he has good news and bad news.

Guy says, "give me the good news first."

Doc says, "you've got 24 hours to live."

Guy says, "What the hell! What could the bad news be?"

Doc says, "I forgot to call you yesterday."

 

Also, this, with instant rimshot: http://theoatmeal.com/djtaf/

 

Moishe goes into a police station to report that his wife Rebecca is missing.

Moishe: "I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has still not come home."

Sergeant: "How tall is she, sir?"

Moishe: "I think she’s 5 foot something."

Sergeant: "And what about her build?"

Moishe: She's not slim, but she’s not fat either."

Sergeant: "What color are her eyes sir?"

Moishe: "Um…I can’t remember."

Sergeant: "And what about the color of her hair?"

Moishe: "It changes all the time depending on what hairdresser she goes to."

Sergeant: "What clothes was she wearing when you last saw her?"

Moishe: "I don’t know. It could have been a blue dress. Or maybe a black one. I don't remember exactly."

Sergeant: "When she left to go shopping did she go by car?"

Moishe: "Yes she did."

Sergeant: "And what is the make of the car?"

Moishe: "It's a high performance 560 HP Audi in a very special silver grey metallic paint. It has 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission and a 6.35 litre V12 engine generating at least 460 HP. It has the Z51 Super Performance Package; larger than normal alloy wheels; GT bucket seats; Satellite Navigation with world-wide coverage, and Direct Injection. It also unfortunately has a very thin scratch on the front left door. And .......... "

At this point, Moishe starts to cry.

Sergeant: "Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car."

 

Have you heard of the Buddhist vacuum cleaner?

It comes with no attachments.

 

A blonde is walking down the side of a stream. She sees another blonde on the other side of the stream and calls out to her: "How do you get to the other side?"
Second blonde says, "You're already on the other side."

 

I went to record store. The sign said 'Specializing in hard to find records and CDs.'
Nothing was alphabetized.


-Mitch Hedberg

 

I got tired of following my dreams.
I told them 'You go on. I'll catch up later.'

-Mitch Hedberg

 

Keep them coming, Buck.

 

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- Mitch Hedberg

 

Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s like the only disease you can get yelled at for having.
-Mitch Hedberg