Best clean jokes

You can’t have seaweed as a house plant because you’d have to water it way too much.
-Mitch Hedberg

 

"Mitch Hedberg was not a funny person." -- some idiot, somewhere, probably.

 

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating an anniversary. A fairy appeared and offered to grant them each one wish as an anniversary present. The wife asked to travel around the word, and the fairy waved her wand. The wife suddenly had a world cruise ticket in her hand. The husband was initially skeptical at the fairy, but once he saw that his wife got what she asked for, he became ecstatic. The fairy asked what he wanted, and he enthusiastically said, "I want my wife to be 30 years younger than me!" The fairy waved her wand, and the husband turned into a 90-year-old man.

 

*Circle of picketers*

What do we want?
Time travel!
When do we want it?
Irrelevant!

 

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't.........."

 

In honor of three-bags...

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. When it came time for her first solo, her instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the wreckage.

"You were doing so well! What went wrong?" he asked.

Said the blonde: "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

 

Q: Why does the Swedish navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
A: So that when the ships return to port they can just Scandinavian.

 

"The bartender said, 'We don't serve faster-than-light neutrinos in this bar!'
A faster-than-light neutrino enters a bar.