Brett Favre: Free Agent

If it's not Minnesota, it will be somewhere down south, like Carolina. With Gruden gone, Tampa doesn't make sense. No rookie head coach wants to be anywhere near this guy. Miami doesn't make sense. I could see Oakland being interested, but I don't see Favre playing on the west coast for a horseshit team.

The Niners could be a darkhorse, but I doubt it.

 

Vikings or Redskins.

After what happened with Cutler, do you think Denver wants anything to do with Bus Cook?

 

I love Favre. Despite his diva turn the last couple years, I still love watching him play. Does that mean I want him on the Skins? Let me get back to you.

 

http://www.pro-football-reference.com/teams/det/2008.htm

Stanton, and then Henson, had the two highest QB ratings on the team. Orlovsky was third, then Kitna and Culpepper.

The Lions, in their unconditional quest to fuck up every single last aspect of running the team, were bent and determined to play the "seasoned savvy veterans" at any fucking cost -- at first, it was Jumping Jesus Boy Kitna, who they had spent three years building up (with numerous ridiculous planted stories to the kool-aid slurping beat writers about how beloved Kitna was by all his adoring teammates) into the incomparable invulnerable "leader of the team," the lord of the locker room, the fiery force around whom the mighty men rallied, etc etc blah blah splurt splurt splooge.

This blew up when Kitna decided he didn't like the new offense brought in by new offensive coordinator Jim Colletto (actually it wasn't new, it was just the Martz offense scaled way back) because it didn't give him carte blanche to throw 50 passes a game, complete 22 for 320 yards and 3 touchdowns and 6 interceptions.

Anyway the mighty leader Kitna began pissing and moaning in the locker room and to the media about the playcalling, carrying it on to full-fledged shouting matches with the coaching staff right on the sidelines in the middle of games in front of the TV cameras.

At this point the Lions brain trust said, "holy shit, our great leader upon whom we have placed all our hopes and dreams has turned into a Frankenstein monster," and were faced with the necessity of decapitating the mighty leader of men. So, Kitna was stashed on IR.

So now, the Lions said, "OMG, we need to find another fiery veteran leader who can marshal the mighty manly men of the locker room (Millen and Marinelli really believed that bullshit). Are there any seasoned savvy veteran quarterbacks sitting around available?"

The concept of playing ANY of the younger QBs -- Orlovsky, Stanton or Henson -- was dismissed, because "they might embarass themselves." (At the moment the team, led by the fiery leader Kitna, was 0-4 and had been outscored something like 140-36.) No, they needed to go out and get a seasoned savvy leader, or something REAL bad might happen -- they might get outscored in the NEXT four games 240-14.

At that moment, Daunte Culpepper was polishing off his sixth pizza slice of the night at his local Hungry Howie's. Culpepper had been waived out of the league, in turn, by the Dolphins and Raiders, who had been, in turn, the worst teams in the league when they decided to ditch Daunte.

Culpepper waddled around to all the training camps in the summer of 2008 looking for a job. No takers. He decided to go home, and in order to stay in tip-top physical shape to make himself as attractive as possible to all potential employers who would be mightily impressed by his dedication to conditioning and honing his skills to a fine competitive edge, he packed on 50 pounds.

Then the phone rang. The Lions needed a seasoned veteran leader to inspire his teammates with his dedication and drive.

Season Fumble/Interception totals:

Kitna/Culpepper: 19

Stanton/Henson: 0

When Culpepper reported, it was apparent he might not be in razor-sharp shape. The Michelin Man rolls of flab rolling over his belt was a possible clue. His time of 4.47 in the 40 was quite impressive; unfortunately, that was his time in the 40-foot dash.

The team acknowledged Culpepper "might not be in game shape just yet." Off the record, it was acknowledged he was playing "somewhere around 270-280" (he was about 250-260 in his prime years with the Vikes). Over the course of the 8-10 weeks left season, Culpepper showed such terrific dedication that by the end of the season, he could actually call three or four plays without having to refer to the flash cards taped to his wrist.

Over the offseason, it was decided to be a vital priority to re-sign Culpepper to a new two-year contract.

At the beginning of mini-camp, readers were treated to a sudden spate of stories about how Culpepper had gone on an amazing diet, had lost 30 pounds, was in the "best shape of his career," and had an incredible new attitude. To show just how much weight he had lost, it was now revealed, secret of secrets, that "he was playing at about 290" last season.

My ass. The load of lard was Three Hundred and Thirty Pounds last season. He might be under 300 NOW, after this amazing flesh-melting diet. The pictures of him in training camp don't show any sleek and slender gazelle, that's for fucking sure.

In the wake of the release of Henson, the scuttlebutt from the notebooks is that the team is looking for "another veteran quarterback to provide depth." Gadzooks!! Do they think the "seasoned savvy veteran mentoring" supplied by Culpepper won't be enough?

Where is Todd Marinovich these days? Ryan Leaf, pick up the courtesy phone. How about Jared Lorenzen? He and Culpepper could team up for joint orders from the supersize jock strap factory.

 

If there are more than four or five teams interested in Favre, I'd be surprised.

Redskins, Vikings, Raiders, Niners, Panthers. Panthers might even be a reach.

 

Be funny as hell if the Lions signed him to "mentor" Stafford.

 

No no no no, you've got it all wrong: Favre would "mentor" Culpepper, who will "mentor" the yet-unnamed "veteran QB" they have yet to sign (David Carr? Tim Couch? Akili Smith?) who will "mentor" Stanton, who will "mentor" Stafford.

With all that seasoned savvy "mentoring" trickling down onto Stafford, what can possibly go wrong??

 

Um, that would be a negative for the Panthers. Not only did they sign Jake Delhomme to an extension, mainly to provide some salary-cap relief, but they're also still kinda tight against the cap. Hence, very few signings unless Marty Hurney gets a decent offer for Julius Peppers, getting that $17 million cap figure for this season off the books.

Only scenario I could see would be if Jake got hurt during the preseason and an SOS was sent to Kiln to Favre while he's throwing to some high-school guys down there. Major, major stretch.

 

Please Brett, just go away.

 

Holy crap was this funny. POTY material.

 

And this is why I like pallister.

 

Missing one major point. Orlovsky played real decent for a Lions QB. Something like no turnovers in 2-3 games. Only the one miscue on the safety, but still, great for Lions standards. He would be just what the Lions need. A guy who wont LOSE THE GAME. They always get quarterbacks who lose the game: Garcia, Culpepper, Detmer, Kitna.... but not with Orlovsky. He plays, shuts his mouth and doesn't bitch at the coaches. And that's exactly why he isn't around anymore. I hope he gets a shot in Houston. Lights it up under that offense with Andre 300. Orlovsky is a good dude. Plays for the love of the game.