Child discipline

Tell me then, what's the difference?

 

I'm out of the debate, though I will say that according to the laws of my state, spanking is legal so long as it does not cause "physical harm." Now, that's certainly a phrase that can be manipulated. I take it to mean I can spank my child, as long as I am not injuring him or her.

 

If you're really that dense, zeke, here's the law from a state attorney general site:

"... law allows the use of force, but not deadly force, against a child by the child's parent, guardian, or other person who is acting in loco parentis. Most parents do, in fact, use corporal punishment (in the form of spanking) at least occasionally, and most do not, in fact, consider it abusive."

More, from the same site:

When is discipline abusive?

Some parents who become abusive believe that what they are doing is in the best interest of the child and are confused about when an attempt at discipline crosses the line and becomes abuse. Whether an action is abusive really depends on the circumstances of the individual case. However, the following guidelines may help:

* Striking a child above the waist is more likely to be considered abusive; disciplinary spanking is usually confined to the buttocks.

* Spanking with the bare, open hand is least likely to be abusive; the use of an instrument is cause for concern. Belts and hair brushes are accepted by many as legitimate disciplinary "tools," and their use is not likely to be considered abusive, as long as injury does not occur. Electrical or phone cords, boards, yardsticks, ropes, shoes, and wires are likely to be considered instruments of abuse.

* It is best not to hit a child in anger. Abusive punishment is most likely to occur when the parent is out of control.

* Finally, and most important, punishment is abusive if it causes injury. A blow that causes a red mark that fades in an hour is not likely to be judged abusive.



Need any more dots connected for you, zeke? :

 

What's the statute of limitations on that? Because there are a couple of school systems I would gladly take a settlement check from right now.

 

Zeke - what ages are your children?

 

poindexter -- why do you ask?

And 69 -- All that tells me is what is "likely" to be abusive. And I love that belts are OK.

What about the wooden spoon?

What if you leave a mark?

 

Wow.

Getting into discussions on child-rearing are almost as productive as getting into discussions on politics or religion. They aren't.

But since I've had a sh*tty week, what the heck. I'll jump in (and regret it later.) So read this now. I might re-read this in the morning and delete it.

My children live in a dictatorship. What I say goes. There is no discussion. I am their mother, not their friend. I do not have an obligation to explain my actions to them, and I expect them to do what I say - when I say. My job is to make sure that they have learned how to be decent adults with some common sense to help them along the way by the time they reach adulthood.

Does that mean it always works out that way?

Of course not. They are teens. They question, they push -- but they know that whining gets them in major trouble. I will give them a reason why they can't do something, but that doesn't mean it's up for discussion. They know that telling me that they are bored will get them some rotten, nasty chore to do. And saying, "But that's not fair!" gets the reply of "Get over it, life isn't fair" and the loss of a privlege if one more word is said. I also know, from overhearing a recent conversation, that my children have the Fear Of Mom which keeps them from doing a lot of things which they shouldn't. Do they mess up? Of course. They're kids. But I try to make the punishment fit the crime.

And heaven help them if I catch them in a lie. (Which they have learned the hard way.)

I do not allow them to have televisions or computers in their rooms. We have too many computers in this house as it is, and if they have them in their rooms, it is too easy for them to shut themselves away from the real word. They don't need to watch television that much, there's plenty to do outside. Go fishing, go for a bike ride with your friends, go toss the football in the back yard, go for a hike in the back woods. There's Scouts, 4-H, church youth group and school sports and activities. Why spend money on something that isn't necessary?

There is no negotiation when it comes to punishment. If they misbehave, they get a punishment. It may be grounding, it may be a planned outing canceled, it may be having phone or internet privleges revoked. But they have no say whatsoever in the matter. This is a dictatorship. And if you break something, you will replace it one way or another -- even if it is going to take two years worth of allowance to do so.

Now that my kids are teens, they do not get spanked (although several months ago I did slap my son's mouth for something he said -- not hard, but enough to know he had stepped WAY out of bounds. And he is much bigger than I am. He's never done it since.) They did get spanked when they were younger, but not very often. And it's been several, several years since they have been spanked. A swat on the butt is not child abuse. And I sure wasn't going to try to reason with a three-year-old, it doesn't work. But that swat on the butt would get their attention.

On the flip side, my kids get a hug and a kiss every morning before they leave the house and get told, "I love you. Have a great day." They know they can come to me and talk to me about anything -- and they do. Even half the stuff they come to me with I never would have imagined talking to my mom about, let alone any adult. They (just as they did here a little while ago) give me a hug and kiss good night and tell me they love me. My teen daughter will still curl up on the couch with me to watch a movie. And I do my best to move heaven and earth to make sure I'm at their school and extracurricular events.

I have been told on numerous occasions what wonderful, polite, well-behaved children I have. And my first thought is "You should see them at home, especially when they start bickering with each other." I am their mother, I hold no illusions over any image of perfection, but I am proud to know they can be in public without being disrespectful or obnoxious.

If you've read this far, you may wonder how come Mr. Rosie hasn't warranted a mention yet. He pretty much has the same view on the situation as I do, which is good. Because of his job, I've had to do much of the day-to-day child-rearing on my own. I didn't have the luxury of the ancient cry of mothers everywhere, "Just you wait until your father gets home!" A misbehavior on Monday isn't going to wait until Friday. He's home a lot more now. He also does his damndest with his schedule to make sure he gets to as many of the kids' events as he can.

Is there room for fun? Oh yes, this dictorship allows for laughter. The Great Kitchen Sink-Sprayer Water Fight (or should that be Flood?) of a few years back still causes fits of giggles.

Am I right? I have no idea. I'm certainly not the authority on child psychology or any of that. I just muddle through as best I can, and use what I hope is common sense as I traverse this maze called parenthood.

Oh yeah. And prayer. Lots of prayer.

 

End. of. thread.

Mrs. FNF and I have three little FilesNotFound: 12 F, 7 M, 5 F. This is pretty much the philosophy by which we run our household.

King, print Rosie's words of wisdom above and post it on your refrigerator. You'll never get better advice, especially not for free.

 

God bless ya, Rosie. And that you know you don't have all the answers makes you a better parent, IMO. MUCH better.

 

Growing up, my grandmother (God rest her soul) and my pops handled the punishment.

The first time I talked back to my mother, I was seven years old. My father curbstomped my ass all over our apartment. Guess what? I didn't talk back to my mother unless I had a reasoned argument (and that was years later).

My grandmother was a no-nonsense woman. If I pulled little pranks, I got yelled at. But, if I was a little bastard--and I was--I was hit with a Chinese slipper, a wooden spoon, a fistfull of rings and, eventually, a frying pan. Guess what? I learned if I didn't want to be hit, I shouldn't be a little bastard.

 

I remember saying a curse word in front of my grandmother when I was but a little tyke.

A spoonful of red pepper on my tongue taught me a valuable lesson: curse words are powerful, but don't say them in front of Nana.