Crossed Giblets of Death: The SJ Thanksgiving Family Therapy Thread

My family spent a good hour discussing the differences between midgets and dwarves...

 

Dwarves can be trusted; midgets are oversexed.*

*Actual quotes from stories I have written.

 

I just googled "midgets are oversexed" to see if you were serious, and came across a 10-pack of adult midget porn DVDs for sale.

 

Somebody has to write the flap copy, as it were.

 

Dwarves can NOT be trusted... one anyway...

 

Well, to be more specific, my quote was in reference only to a band of Ukrainian circus dwarves who lived outside Toronto. More specifically, it was in reference to those same dwarves after they had gang-raped the circus ringleader's wife in the back of a van. Even more specifically, they had committed the rape at the behest of said ringleader to get back at his wife for some sin -- some sin that warranted her being gang-raped by a bunch of Ukrainian circus dwarves in the back of a van, apparently.

During the trial, I asked the ringleader if the dwarves were guilty. "No, no," he said. "Dwarves can be trusted."

That was maybe the fifth story of my career, but I remember it well.

 

Jones, I've covered some interesting trials, but that sounds like a real humdinger.

 

Buck, my friend, 'twas.

It was strange even before the trial... Because of rape shield laws, the ringleader wasn't named in any of the pre-trial literature, because that would reveal the identity of his wife. So I called a bunch of Ukrainian community centers, asking if they knew of a guy who lived with a bunch of dwarves. (Forgot to mention that he lived with them, but he did -- like, a dozen of them.) Anyway, third or fourth place I called, the guy is like, "Oh, yeah, that's Yuri. His number is 416...

 

I bet Bridget The Midget was in at least one of them.

 

I should write a book on my in-laws. My mother-in-law is a 50-something pot head. The last time my wife visited, mom took Mrs. Heineken to meet her friend, the pagan fortune-teller. I understand that the lady was so high that she seemed as likely to fall asleep as to tell fortunes.

On a previous visit, we spent an evening at a couple's house. My mother-in-law introduced me to a guy she said was the drummer for Blue Oyster Cult. I had serious doubts about this, but the guy had a drum set and a dangly earring. He also had several stories about touring with the band. Apparently, they met this guy after becoming involved in the Native American culture. My mother-in-law went full bore into this stuff when she discovered that my father-in-law had native blood. I don't doubt this, as he has some distinct features. Anyway, they met said drummer after joining a fund-raising cause for a Native American museum. About a year later, the drummer split, leaving his wife and kids with all of the money the group had raised. It was then that she learned that he wasn't really the drummer for Blue Oyster Cult, but that he might have played with them once at some point in the distant past.

The in-laws don't do much. They sit at home on their back patio, where they burn sage in an ashtray and stare into the distance while taking deep drags off their cigarettes. They begin this in the morning, where they add cups off coffee to the ritual. At various points during the day, they take trips to the garage to smoke a joint. We've been visitors at their house more than 10 times for a total of probably 25 days over the course of six years. In all of that time, we've taken six trips away from the house. The first was during our first visit, when we went to Sonny's for dinner. The second was a brief fishing trip. Every other time was to visit their parents in the next town.

I tried to get them to go to the beach with us, but they won't. Apparently, they can't leave the house because they have to be there to tend to their three dogs, including one dog which is part wolf. We live three hours from them, and they've visited us once. And these are people who don't have jobs. The father-in-law has a legitimate crippling back injury.

There is almost nothing to do at their home aside from watching television. They have two recliners in a room that is smaller than the press box at Backwoods High School. It's so narrow that you can't walk into the room when the chairs are reclined. Inevitably, they have no interest in watching anything that interests me.

In any case, I'm drive there in the morning. I'm bringing three books that were suggested on the books thread and my laptop. As I always do, I'm going to try avoiding them as much as possible. But there's still dinner to worry about. On our last visit, they had no groceries because they had no money. Even if they had groceries, it would never be anything that I would like. My mother-in-law can't cook. The last time that we visited, I spent more than $200 at the grocery store to stock their fridge. Then the refused to eat what I cooked. Every time, they had some lame excuse about how they can't eat spicy foods or some similar crud. They've ordered take-out for us almost every time that we've visited, and it's been Sonny's BBQ every single time.

Please, humor me.

 

I'd like to kick someone's ass at my wireless provider, hotel or both.

Last night, I had a lengthy post about my Thanksgiving experience -- my mano-a-mano with my F-16 pilot, base commander brother-in-law.

But as I wrote it, and stupidly didn't make a copy knowing full well my wireless was fading in and out, the wireless connection dropped, I hit POST, and it faded into Bolivian.

It was all a lie (my brother-in-law is a great guy, and has never once thrown his F-16 flying, base commander stuff in my face) but it was such a well-crafted lie, I can't even remember what I wrote, other than a lot of fake jabs by my brother-in-law towards me, mainly related to his military uniform getting him mad sex and his F-16 vs. my Dodge Neon. And the fact that I made his call sign Cockdian, his belief being that the F-16 was an extension of his penis and the good it could bring the world. Or, conversely, his wrath.

A shame really. Fuck you wireless assholes!

 

ANyone seen 21 lately? Has she survived or made bail?