Crossed Giblets of Death: The SJ Thanksgiving Family Therapy Thread

Let the wimmenfolk shoot, consarn it!

 

Jesus, after Thanksgiving at our house I wouldn't let anybody within a hundred yards of a loaded gun.

Several glasses of wine + shotgun = one less sibling.

 

Hello, will you accept a collect call from...
(Pause)
'Hello? 21? Darling are you there, it's your mothe...'

Will you accept the charges?

My whole life, summed up by an ATT recording: will I accept the charges?

I will. I accept. I accept all charges.

'Yes,' I sigh to the ATT recording, no doubt made by a woman who has never had Thanksgiving for twenty out of towners.

Thank you! says ATT woman, have pleasant day. Too late, ATT woman, you heartless bitch. Too late.

'Hello? 21? Can you hear me?'
'I hear you mother, where are you?'
'We're here, dear, at the little motel, it was so wonderful of you to think of this place, they have free ice, did you know that, dear? We drove in with the Rubensteins, do you remember them, they have the glass company, their son Larry owns it now, do you remember Larry asked you to the homecoming dance your freshman year, we were so disappointed you didn't want to go with him, all that glass...'

Pause while mother thinks about all that glass. I give her a moment to collect herself.

'So we drove with them, they're staying over at that lovely Hyatt, they thought we should move over there, but i said, 'no, 21 has gone to a lot of trouble to get us a room at this sweet little motel, and it's just fine with us!' Really, what is she going to do at that big hotel, get massages and watch HBO all day? Some people just cannot find enough ways to waste their money! I would not want you to waste your money on us, dear, I know how hard you work at that nice sports job, is it still sports, darling? That is just fascinating, I think so many girls outgrow that whole 'i can do a man's job' phase, how wonderful that you just stick with it! Should I bring ice tomorrow, dear?'

'The Hyatt was booked, Mom...I called the Embassy Suites because Leeza [sister] is staying there so the kids had an indoor pool....' [Note, her real name is Lisa, but she changed it to Leeza, we don't know why.]

'Well, of course, I really don't have much need for the swimming pool, dear, the chlorine gives me such a rash, when Lou and I were in Boca last spring we went in the pool at the club, my hoohoo was itchy for a week, the doctor said the pool was dangerously over chlorinated, I almost called you to see if you had a newspaper friend who could look into it! Really, it was the worst experience....'

No. It was not. I'm having a worse one right now.

 

Did you find a newspaper friend to look into your mother's hoohoo, 21?

 

But, on the positive side, your uncle apparently is vice-president of the United States

 

Ah, yes, Mamma 21. It's not a holiday without her!

Note that Leeza is only a small step from Liza. Perhaps you'll meet your sister in an airport one day.

 

I posted it on the Jobs board, and we never saw Tron again.

 

Breathe deeply. Pretend your mother isnt rearranging cupboards, complaining about putting rosemary in the rutabega and asking you to do A) and before you can move to do it, wants you to do B right now...
On the bright side, there are four bottles of wine in the house, just waiting to be opened....

 

Nice...

 

Well, that certainly explains that.

 

Is that a bad thing?

 

The punchline that this suggests reads as follows:
"To hell with that. Help me find my keys and we'll drive out."