Crossed Giblets of Death: The SJ Thanksgiving Family Therapy Thread

True. But it's not every family that has their crest emblazoned on AA chips. "If you can get through one day without going to the Beats'..."

Last year, I ate with the extended 'Beat clan. I had gotten to their sprawling estate in Farmingville, LI, by 3 A.M. after work.

Four hours later, shrill Irish voices shattered dreams involving Diane Neal, handcuffs and chocolate syrup.

"An-dee, where's da eggs?!"

"I don't know, Cath. Did My-kull go to Shop & Stop?"

"I'm goin' now, for fuck's sake."

"My-kull, I need three large pans--don't argue with me! I need the pans for--I need the goddamn pans! Just get them."

Five and a half hours later, my uncles and cousins and I are watching the Lions-Colts pregame. Well, to be fair, they're watching the game. I'm praying for the angel of death to ease my suffering, when I hear...

"HB, what the fuck are you doing there?"

"Sitting, Billy.

"Jee-zus Christ, do ya know what happens when other people sit there?"

"No."

"Aw, for fuck's sake, did nobody tell ya? The Jets fuckin' lose."

"Billy, not for nothing, the Jets suck. You and me and Mikey can start for 'em."

(More coming)...

 

21 is not Stephanie Plum. There was a group of us trying to cast the movie a few months ago. 21 didn't get the part (we need the face to be seen on camera).

That being said, who names their kids Emmah and Nikkola?

 

I'll be eating, then working, then eating, then working some more. I hope whatever is in the turkey does not knock me out be deadline.

 

... and who hasn't had the poopies in the pool. Happened to me this morning while I was swimming laps.

 

"HB, you don't get it. That's my lucky seat. If I sit dere, da Jets win."

"Dude, the Jets have won three games this season. The seat can't be that lucky. But, I'll get up. It's your seat."

"Just you wait. I'll call ya on Sunday when the Jets lose, and it'll be all your fault. Why? Ya sat in my spot."

Okay, terrific.

Now, it's time to eat. We know it's time to eat because my aunt screeched, "Food's ready! We gotta eat now!" As we trudge into the living room, my aunt asked, "Gee, was I loud."

"Not at all, Aunt Cath," I responded. "Nanny's comin' and she's been in the ground at Calvary (Cemetery, in Queens, 45 minutes away from their house) for almost 18 months now."

"Oh, you're so witty, HB. Just like your father," my aunt said, beeming with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hands.

As we sit down, there's a commotion. Apparently, I sat in the wrong seat again.

"Oh no, HB. Not there. Sit next to Janice. I think you guys might be perfect for each other."

Sweet Jesus, why do you hate me so?

"Janice goes to Suffolk County Community College. She's not sure what she's majoring in yet. But, she's getting her life back together. Last year at this point, she was working as a bartender and stripper by the Port Jeff ferry."

Oh.

"Hi HB. Your aunt told me so much about you! You write! Do you want to see what I've written? I write short stories!"

Sweet God, no.

"Here it is! Tell me what you think!"

I want to die.

"Well...Janice...it's...interesting. I can say that, without a shadow of a doubt."

"Do you think I can get it published? Since I've stopped stripping and serving drinks, it's been my dream to get the story ideas in my head published!"

I'm in hell. Thanks God, you magnificent motherfucker.

(Still more to come)

 

HB is trying to hijack 21's thread.

Good work, my man.

 

"HB, can you help Janice get her book published?" my aunt asked.

"Wouldya look at the time! I gotta get going to work. I'll see what I can do," I said, while racing out the door.

Ah, the Long Island Rail Road on Thanksgiving. It'll be empty. Everyone's with their families.

Or not.

"Jee-zus Christ, Justin! If ya don't sit down, I'll make sure you won't see seven!" some woman screamed at her kid. "Just sit down." The screaming went on for 90 minutes. Apparently, Justin has a lot of energy.

Ah, work. It's quiet. I can think about what I did wrong in a previous life to be saddled with my family. I guess leading the Huns over the Alps was a bad idea.

It's now 3 A.M. and my cousin Mike meets me at the LIRR. "HB, my mom wants to go shopping...in two hours."

"Great. She can go shopping."

"Dude, you don't understand. She wants you and me and my dad to go with her. We're on bag duty."

God has a vindictive sense of humor.

At 5 A.M., we're on line at the Best Buy in Riverhead. Riverhead is home to Long Island's massive outlet stores. People come from miles around to spend obscene amounts of money for a plethora of goods.

"Jesus Fuckin' Christ...she couldn't wait until seven..."

"My-kull, we gotta shop early! Get the bargins early! Mikey, HB, stand on line at Best Buy!"

Three hours later, my aunt turns and says, "Well guys, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

Compared to what, asphyxiation?

 

I'm thankful for the SportsJournalists.com family. Truly.

 

Just wrapping up pages on my last day of work until next Wednesday. I'm flying home to see family for the first time since February, and I can't wait to see them. This is easily the longest I've gone without seeing them. Before, I was always a short drive away (within three hours). Now, not so much.

There's a new niece I haven't seen yet, in addition to the niece that can now say my name. She knows what I look like, she knows what stuffed animals she's gotten from this uncle, but it's been a while. And then there are the friends.

In short, I can't wait to go home. Except first I have to leave work, start packing, then make my morning flight. Travel safely, everyone.

 

Boom: I can't wait to see you.
21: I can't wait either.
Boom: Just us...a quiet, private Thanksgiving....
21: Um....Mm-hmm.
Boom: No crazy family, no chaos....perfect.
21: Oh, definitely, very perfect.
Boom: So where'd your family end up?
21: Um, my family, well...hey! Did we decide on the Hots lineup this week? Pie burning in the oven! Love you, gotta go! See you tomorrow, can't wait!!

 

These posts have been wildly entertaining and are definitely making me appreciate my family much more than I already was. (Thanks 21 and HB!!) I've got the typical Southern family, but they're not so bad. We'll over-eat tomorrow, laze around and then go check out a matinee movie. Oddly enough, it's one of the few times during the course of a typical year where no sports are involved. I must have gotten all of the sports genes in my family because no one else gives a damn about the Lions or Cowboys or Chiefs or anyone else playing today.
I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving. And 21 and HB, hope yours gets better!