Dealing with divorce

bd,

I have a dear friend who's a divorce lawyer and reps a lot of women.  I can't tell you how common this is.  The male mid-life crisis is NOT a figment of societal imagination.  It's very real.  There's a very moving article in the NY Times I will try to find at some point today and link.  It's about a woman who dedicated her life to her family, and her husband did exactly what your dad is doing.  Fortunately your mom works!!  Thank God.  My lawyer friend reps so many women who've dedicated their lives to family and have no marketable job skills.  The stories would break your heart.

If your dad is serious about this-- and it looks like he is-- support your mom emotionally as much as you can.  Use your journalistic skills to find her the BEST, BEST, BEST lawyer available.  Somebody with a proven track record in Augusta.  You want your mom to be taken care of, and unfortunately, you can't always rely on a husband going through mid-life crisis to do it.  Even before the divorce is final, a judge can issue an order for her to get the health benefits and the financial support she needs for her surgery.

I'm so sorry, and best wishes to your mom--- Find her one hell of a kick-ass lawyer!!!!!!!!

 

Luggy - its a two way street. Why are you assuming that BD's dad is the one at fault here? Maybe he needs a good lawyer as well.

 

It's a good point. Sometimes people just grow apart.

 

I went through this about 10 years ago so I can provide some perspective looking back on it.

My parents were married 25 years. My Dad had an affair with my mom's best friend. I had no idea - I lived 3 hours away. He called me at work - I was 24 - and dropped the bomb.

I had also idolized my Dad and this was quite a blow. I tried to be there for both my mom and him - tried to understand. We basically reversed the roles we had for the prior quarter century. That lasted for a few months with some attempted reconciles.

The tension finally caught up with me and I went off on my Dad like I never talked to anyone before or since. All the frustration, the disappointment, and the anger came pouring out. He just took it. I guess he felt he had it coming.

Our relationship has never been the same. He rarely visits my family (or my sister's). He calls on birthdays or when he wants some sports info. We visit him a couple of times a year so he can have some involvement with my daughter. I'm reminded of the line from Look who's Talking?, "I'm going through my selfish phase." That aptly describes his last ten years.

When you talk to your Dad, make sure he realizes what this is doing to all the parties involved. He thinks he knows, but he needs to hear it from someone who isn't his wife. In my opinion, keep the dialogue open and try to see what his major issues are. Sometimes there is so much history in a relationship, the problems just manifest themselves to point where giving up seems like the best option. Gaining perspective is the key there. Some things can be fixed if they are identified.

It does suck and the first days and first conversations are the worst. Just continue to be there for your Mom. I know you will.

 

My ex and I are good friends -- but at some point, I just didn't want to be married anymore. I stayed married for finances, for the kids -- that should have been first -- but not for romantic love. This is no secret to her, obviously.

Shotty, I respect you a great deal -- but here's the thing. Maybe it's not all about them. But it IS about them, and them being happy, too.

My kids hated my divorce -- they never stopped loving me, I don't think, but they weren't happy with me. But I had to do it, at some point. I went through the motions -- it was easy, because we were friends -- for a long time. That's no way to live the rest of your life.

Dad indeed might have a problem here -- but he also might have hung on for the sake of the family as long as he could. That's not a happy thought, but it might be true.

And Luggy, Mom ought to find the lawyer my ex had -- although I pretty much just punted on everything to make it easy.

 

Guys, that's true.  And sometimes it's the woman's fault.

But in the scenario bd described, 99 times out of 100 it's the man, and he's got a honey.  I hate to be so blunt-- it's heart-breaking.

But the good news is, it's very difficult for a man in this situation to hide the money and hide the honey.  A good lawyer will get to the bottom of this easily and quickly.

SF, I'm sure you're a good guy who would never deny an ex-wife the resources she needed.

 

SF seems like you took a very enlightened approach. I am just not sure whey so many people get so hung up on the money aspect. If you are so unhappy its seems to me that a clean divorce would be priceless. You have your freedom and can go on and make your next fortune.

You might even be more successful at whatever you do without the noose around your neck that is pulling you down.

 

No offense to your dad, buckdub, but I hope your mom took him for half his net worth.

 

46 is not old - in fact its about the perfect MILTF age.

 

My best advice, as someone who went through this during adolescence...

They'll both always be your parents. You'll still need them both. Be there for both of them, and try to be a positive influence to both.

Despite what Lugnuts is saying, people do grow apart. People get so cuaght up in living their lives they forget to focus on their partners.

It's not your fault, and If I were you, I'd avoid trying to assign blame to either of your parents. Advise counseling. Advise trial separation. Advise whatever you can. If it can be reconciled, hope that it will.

If it can't, then be a son to both.

 

That is absolutely, positively the right way to handle this. Try, at all costs, not to take sides. It is possible to love and care for both your parents without alienating one or the other.

 

a lot of great advice here. i hope bydesign is soaking some of it in.

this might make me sound like an asshole, and i'll admit i have no divorces anywhere in my extended family, but i don't think it's as simple as blaming dad for everything and hating him for what he did to your mom, you and your siblings.

after that many years, especially if he's not cheating on her (but this applies even if he is cheating), he surely went through a ton of agony about this before making this decision. again, that doesn't mean he's the good guy, but if he was faking it for years or growing miserable over the past few years, he doesn't owe wife or kids anything.

we all have limited time on this earth and if he finally came to the realization that he was unhappy in his marriage, he had to do what he had to do. i know that's a stupid cliche but i think before deciding that dad is the monster, i'd suggest trying to understand more about why he did it -- once you can get ahold of him. and until you get in touch with him, i'd assume dad has reasons even if you vehemently disagree with those reasons.

again, i'm not trying to be an ass, but your dad probably did what he thought was best for him. did he hurt others? sure did. but if he felt he had to split to be happy, that doesn't make him a monster.