Dealing with divorce

Even better, most remarriages are a disaster. Can she just sleep around?

God, that was terrible....but I understand. My mother remarried a man she didn't love, a year after my father died, because she couldn't bear the thought of people calling her a slut if she travelled and slept with a man out of wedlock. She was 53, and this was in the 90s. So she married just so people wouldn't talk about her. Now she's miserable, and I WISH she'd get divorced.

 

Certainly life is going to be difficult for your mom, Buck, no doubt. And while it sounds empty to say "this is a chance for her to start over," that can often be the case. When my grandfather lost his wife of 58 years to breast cancer, he mourned for several months, then started doing all the things he'd always wanted to, learning Spanish, learning to type, etc.

Your mom is going to learn a lot about who she really is as a person now, and it's going to be tough. But help her through it, as much as you can. There is room for growth and a brighter future.

 

Yeah but is there life after dating Kip Winger?

 

Exactly - if someone is fun and has good bone structure you always can do a frame up restoration. For many it may just be some crest stripes and a good hair cut. Others you may need to shell out some dinero for hooters but otherwise you are good to go.

 

21: I think remarriages stand just as much chance of being happy as marriages do. That is, what, about 50%? Whatever the divorce rate is, it's pretty damn high.

If you've learned from your faults that helped lead to the breakdown of your previous relationships/marriages, then chances are you might have a healthier and happier remarriage. If, however, you keep making the same mistakes, you don't change, you don't adapt to a new partner, it's not going to matter what number you're on or who you're with. All depends on who you are and who you're with.

I don't think that changes with age or experience. I think that depends on the person.

 

Instead of remarriage you could always go the Eddy Griffin route for gratification needs.

 

My parents divorced when I was an adolecent. It was difficult, very difficult at times, for everyone concerned but it was the right thing to have happen. My parents married young and had kids and stayed together for all the wrong reasons. They both remarried people that were better suited to them. My Dad was still married to his second wife when he passed away last year and my Mom is still married to her second husband and very happy.

The only people who know all the ins and outs of a relationship are the two people in it. Friends hear one person's side or the other or see only what's on the surface. No matter how angry you might feel, talk to your dad with an open mind. Hear his side of it and remember that one day, you'll be a parent, and your kids will want to know both of your parents without feeling like they're caught in a war.

And Buck .... my Mom is an extremely devout Roman Catholic and swore for years that she wouldn't remarry when her annulment was denied. Given time and perspective she allowed herself to go on her first date (before which I recall saying "It's just a date. You don't have to marry the guy". This story was told at their wedding.

 

Sometimes sides need to be taken because, well, one side is right. My mom's 30-year partner (they never married after my dad died in the Air Force when I was a little Editude; got to love the 70s) left a couple of years ago for some non-hottie far closer to my age than my mom's. My mom's still struggling, and he's got his new family across the country. I can fake civil, but that's it.

 

Absolutely true.

It really depends on what happened to the first marriage.  If you're madly in love and your spouse dies, very hard to find that kind of happiness again. If you're divorced because you were miserable, chances are you're going to look for what you were missing. If you were dumped, you always worry about being dumped again.

I have tremendous respect for people who met young, married, stayed happy, and knew their whole lives that they were with the right person. Everyone is not so fortunate.  Very hard to know at 20 what you'll want and need at 40 or 60.

But love comes at all ages and when you least expect it.....I know a lot of people here think the Boom and 21 thing is bullshit, but I assure you it is not. Neither of us were looking for anything, but when it's right it just happens...you realize you're in love with your best friend, and you don't ever want to be without.  

Your mom is so young...I hope she finds someone she doesn't want to ever be without.

 

This is timely for me, because my wife and I are at a real crossroads. We've been married 21 years, but I don't feel like she loves me anymore. She doesn't say it, doesn't display any affection. It just feels loveless. But I still have two kids at home and a three-year-old granddaughter. I don't want to move out and start over in an apartment with a couch from the Salvation Army.
I'd like to work it out and I've suggested counselling, but she's not interested -- at least not right now. I guess I'm stuck. There's not even anyone I can talk to about this because we don't have any really close friends that you can call up and say "Guess what? We're trapped in marital hell." Guess I'm in no man's land -- stay because you don't want to lose the kids/granddaughter and live out a loveless marriage.
It's a sacrifice you make, I guess.

 

My biological father left my mother when I was nine months old for the woman who became my stepmom. For a very long time it looked like they had both ended up better off (they were terribly unsuited for each other), then my dad's roving eye kicked in again after about 20 years. I was fully prepared to blame him for everything. I mean he has a documented fidelity problem, and I figured it was just that kicking in again. Then my stepmother came out of the closet.

There are two sides to every divorce. Sometimes blame is clear cut, sometimes it's murky, and sometimes people just grow apart.

 

Have you tried saying or doing anything to show her you love her (if you do)? I'm not making judgments, but you say she doesn't show any affection, she doesn't say it. Have you?

Women often drop hints (which men rarely pick up) that they need something different in terms of expression and communication. Instead of just coming out and saying it, it becomes a mind game between two people in which both partners almost always lose.

That's not to blame women there. But it takes two people to try and make a relationship work, and usually both people need to change a little in order for that to happen. So change (if you want to). Just change. You just gotta do it. Say something to her today that you don't normally say. Do something for her tomorrow that you don't normally do. ... Chances are, she'll start to respond. Most people will.

If she doesn't, well, at least you tried. You tried with an open mind -- which is different than just trying by going thru the motions, which most people do. If you honestly try, and she still doesn't respond, no reason for you to stay in a "loveless" marriage, either. That's not helping your kids, or setting an example for them on striving for happiness. You gotta do what's best for you. But give her a real chance, too. Sounds like you don't want to give up on her just yet. So don't.