Dear dimwit on the phone

Dear Asshat Fan of My Beat's Rival Team,

I appreciate that you're reading my stories, but if you're interested in information that isn't all about My Beat, I suggest you read the coverage of the guy at our paper who covers Your Team. See, my job is to cover University of State, which I do every single fucking day. But we have another guy who covers State University every single fucking day too.

I am not, as you say, "bias." First of all, "bias" is a noun, so to covert it to an adverb, you need to ad -ed to the end. Second of all, fuck you.

Recognize, please, that when the team I cover plays the team he covers, I'm going to write about the team I cover and he's going to write from your team's perspective. I'm sorry that the team I cover almost always beats the team you like. There's nothing I can do about that and, unfortunately, I have to describe and explain the reasons for this. Trust me, as infuriating as it is for you, it's equally boring for me.

And when that changes, and Your Team wins, I'm sorry to tell you I'm going to have to write about the game from the loser's perspective. Documentation of the jubilation and superiority will have to come from the other guy.

Feel free to stop reading,

Guy Just Doing His Job

 

OK, you win.

Can't argue that response.

 

Dear pissed off fan of the Nasty Cocksuckers,

No matter how many times you say the word fuck or any of its other derivatives on the sports answering machine, we are not responsible for the disgusting article that is plastered on the front page written by and clearly marked as "The Associated Press" regarding the best basketball team in America. Apparently, it doesn't matter to you since we are disgusting morons who were not at the game because the budget for covering N.C. was cut and the paper is printed at a regional copy desk more than an hour away with insanely early deadlines.

And, upon further review, the sports staff does not love to suck the cock of the other rival team. We hate both teams equally.

In warm regards,

doug_funnie

 

Dear reader,

No, I don't know who won in pairs figure skating. I didn't realize it was time for the Olympics again. I never watch that stuff anyway. I do enjoy downloading pictures of Sasha Cohen. Have you seen this one?

 

Dear House,

Yes, I've seen this pic. Even posted it once before, IIRC. It's always welcome here.

Sincerely,
Petrie

 

Dear caller:

It's just sports. There are starving people in China.

 

I believe the preferred nomenclature is "leotarded".

 

Love it.

 

Dear random reader who sent me a letter today without a return address/contact information:

Yes, I get it. Private schools can recruit athletes and that's bad for your little shit team. But, no, I don't care. I hope your teams continue to lose, mostly because you're a tool.

Sincerely,

SchiezaInc.

 

I hope all that hate keeps you warm.

 

I could use a blanket if you've got one to spare.

 

Dear homer whose mental illness renders you incapable of understanding the linear nature of time:

The reason we didn't cover/shoot your team's victory was because we decided to cover another game. We made this decision last week/yesterday/this morning/BEFORE THE GAME.

The reason we didn't cover/shoot your team's victory WAS NOT because your team won.

We cannot see the future. If we could, we'd be in another line of work.

Regards,
Zimbabwe