Dear dimwit on the phone

Dear lazy, worthless women who work at the front of the office and marvel at the fact that I get to come in late in the afternoon and wish they were that lucky, then are completely baffled when I work overnights, weekends or holidays,

Listen. I get it. You're a woman. Yes, the four-gallon water cooler is kind of heavy. There are two people at our office who shouldn't pick it up - the pregnant lady, and the maybe 120-pound woman who makes sure we get paid every week. So next time you pour yourself a glass of water, don't walk away from the cooler and hope someone else replaces it. Don't think the janitor (who only comes in twice a week now) will be in early in the morning to do it and it's OK for you to leave it because you're the last one in the office at 6 p.m. on a Wednesday night. Don't come screeching for a man to pick it up because it's "too heavy." Your young kids, grandkids, nieces or nephews weigh as much and you probably don't have a hard time picking them up for a hug here or there. Show some goddamn common courtesy.

Regards,
Rhody

 

Dear my entertainment editor,

You have some balls. Huge ones. Thanks for volunteering to do a story here or there for a special section and join in the complaints about how much work there is to do and no time to do it. I wrote 12 stories and paginated 8 pages in 24 hours, or, as I like to call it, 10 more stories and the same amount of pages you did for your whole section. It must be nice to come in to the office early, then impress the bosses by staying until 8 or 9 p.m. while checking your Facebook and Yahoo and counting that toward your working time. Oh, and thanks for bitching to the publisher about how you deserve the photo office over sports, because let's be honest - you do. It's a lot easier to pretend to be doing work when no one can actually monitor you and while our two-man staff is cranking out six sections in three days, you're right. You should have the 12x7 foot office we've organized so we can do our work efficently. You deserve it.

Sincerely,
Rhody

 

And she can legpress 400 pounds.

 

By the way, this is the funniest thread I've ever seen in here. Great stuff. Genuinely lol.

 

Dear Jakass,

I work at the newspaper. Why the fuck would I know why Comcast is shitty and isn't playing the Game of the Century between the Midwestern rivalry you think compares to Tobacco Road?

Yours in hating cable companies,
bbam

 

Dear Stupid Fan:

I don't know if you've figured it out yet, but we are a newspaper. We report what we think will be the most important news for our readership. We have to priortize.

So, don't blame us when your favorite high school team that had blown out all the smaller schools earlier in the season decides to choke against the big city school. We decided to cover that game because we thought the vast majority of our readers would like to read about it. Contraire to popular belief, we don't know the results of the game ahead of time. This isn't pro wrestling, a Harlem Globetrotters show or a NASCAR event.

And if your favorite team happened to pull off the upset and we weren't there, you would be calling us up complaining how we missed the greatest upset of all time. Well, for us to cover the potential greatest upset, we have to cover the game. It's not our fault that your team choked.

Sincerely,

Baron.

 

Baron, I think I have a solution to your problem.
There's an App for the iPhone on predicting high school scores before they happen.
I just tell my readers I can't access it because I don't have an iPhone.

 

Dear PR/marketing guy for minor league team in nearby big city:
Gee, it was nice to hear from you for the first time since I started this job 18 months ago. But you know what? I have so much going on in my circulation area that I can't spare anyone to even write a story about your exhibition games against MLS teams, unless you can give me a local angle beyond "the community should know about this game." Since I don't go to your city to follow our local teams except in the playoffs, it's hard for me to justify sending someone there for your game. Yes, I know how important it is for you to "get the word out" to our community, so I'll be more than happy to have you talk to our ad manager, who will assign one of our friendly ad reps to your accout.

Hello?

 

Dear Dad of the kid who touched the puck for the first time in a women's hockey game and wants her picture in the paper because of it:
Seriously?
Because this kid carried the puck from behind the net and got a shot on goal for the first time all year -- in a high school women's hockey game where there might have been eight to 10 witnesses -- you want me to publish your grainy photo of same?
Despite your promise that you will never bother us again with another request of this nature if we do this, the answer is still no.

 

Who will then guarantee some coverage if he buys a 3x5. Happened to me once. Once.

 

Me: Tribune sports, this is Clutch.

Football SID for local school (not embellished): GD it, idiot Cargo, when are you going to start giving us some f-ing coverage? We have a GD game this Saturday at home, and no one knows about it. I see that big-a-- story you have on State U today and those motherf-ers get all the ink. This is bullsh--. Get off your a-- and give us some help here. This has been going on forever and what you do sucks.

Me: (Awkward silence for about 10 seconds)

Doofus: $&$#)^)^)%$##*!!!

Click

 

No sir, we are not covering the youth sporting event that is out of our coverage area and involves no teams in our coverage area. And no, we don't sit on our butts all day and watch sports because we have a cushy job. And since you say you don't read our paper anyway, why the hell do you care?
Go back to your trash can and get a good night's sleep.