Dear dimwit on the phone

I hope you personally responded to each and every one of those calls. There's nothing I love more than calling up some idiot and serving him some personal justice by letting him/her know just how stupid they are.

 

Dear parent,

Your coach called a half hour after deadline Friday night. And even if he had been on time, I probably still wouldn't have printed your kid's name because, for some reason, he didn't put down who scored. By listing only what the quarterback did, it's clear that he's the only one worthy of a scholarship. If he's not your kid, well, there's always Pell Grants.

Yours,

Apeman

 

Actually, you did harm Self-Important Town High's players. The opponent wasn't Open Date, it was Off.

And most of SITH's players did beat Off over the weekend.</endsophomorichumor>

 

If SITH did that, I'd hate to see how Idle would do against Open Date.

 

This was eight years ago, but if I remember correctly I called one or two back and it really didn't matter because they just took the opportunity to complain about some other aspect of the sports section. It was easier to let them say their piece and not try to reason with them.

 

No coach I will not run a separate preview for your team simply because you failed to get back in touch with me in time for our deadline after repeated voice messages and emails requesting an interview. The other six coaches in the league did find the time to return calls, thus there teams were included in the season preview.

 

Bravo!

 

Dear Interviewee,

I called you back after your repeated emails about your story idea and, as I indicated, appreciated you thinking about me.

But after 45 minutes of questions and answers, being told "I don't want my name in any story. I just had an idea to talk about" is not a good way to endear yourself to me. I don't need to talk at length about something you don't want to help with and now say it's a story you want to see because of other "idiots who don't know anything" about this.

In short, FUCK YOU. I will not be using your idea, your thoughts, your anything. THANKS for wasting my time.

Sincerely,

SixToe

 

Dear volleyball coach,
Thank you for emailing me the stats from tonight's game as well as your current record and a few comments, but you know what really would have been nice to have included? The final score.

 

I never knew the score was important, just that the girls tried hard.

 

Got this email Monday regarding the season opener for a very small local church-affiliated college, which suffered the worst beating in its 88-year history at the hands of a much, much bigger state college:

Uhh .... sir, the game was played Thursday. The story ran in the Friday paper.

 

Local reader e-mails me on Tuesday: "I hear the cable provider is adding the NFL Network this week. Why haven't I seen anything in the paper about it?"
My reply: "There was a story on the front page of the sports section two weeks ago."