Dear dimwit on the phone

No sir, Mayor Daley no longer dines here.

He's dead, sir.

 

P.S. We'd love to know how you get to 40 hours a week. I just laid out an entire six-page section, front to back, in two hours and 49 minutes. Since your little, shitty, six-page section is ALL you do, please, explain how it takes you 40 hours.

Hugs and kisses,

-SchiezaInc

 

Me: "Hello, this is Apeman. How can I help you?"

Caller: "I don't read your paper, but..."

Me: Click.

 

Reminds me of a few months ago when we were discussing sponsorship of an athlete of the week feature. I made it very clear to the ad manager and the reps at the start that a) It's my pick, no one else's; b) If Guido's Pizza and Medical Supply wants to give something to the winner, I'm not presenting it; and c) Just because John's S&M Shop is sponsoring it does not mean I'm doing stories on little Johnny, who's done a great job holding down the end of the bench all year. Fortunately, the ad manager was a sports fan and understands the difference between church and state, was agreeable.

 

EXACTLY

 

To the writer of this...

Hello, I am the mother of a Bumfuck Middle School 7th grade diver/swimmer. I was wondering what we need to do to get the swim meet results/scores published in the paper. Is it possible to email the results to the newspaper? I feel these boys & girls work very hard and deserve some recognition for their efforts. Please let me know and Thank you.

***
No, Johnny Shitstain doesn't "deserve" anything...and when I say him, I mean you, mom. Who in the blue fuck — other than you — wants to read through that dreck?


Buuuut, I'm not the SE, so I'm sure this will run Monday.

 

See, depending on the size of your paper, I can't blame the mom for wanting to get her kid's meet in. At least, she seemed polite about it.

Now, if she were demanding it, and complaining that they were equal to the varsity and all that, then I could see your ire.

Dear Modified Swim Mom:

I got your e-mail and we will print the results if they are submitted by the deadline and if space permits.

But please don't tell me that your kid's meet should receive equal coverage with the boys varsity basketball team at our big city school. That team draws 800 people each game. Your meet draws 50 people at most, all of whom are related to each other.

Sincerely,

Baron

 

I know we get all worked up when people use the word "deserve," but that sound slike a reasonable request.

Unless the sports editor has established a hard line on not using middle school results, I think it's a reasonable request.

 

The problem is..you let one middle school team do it, all of them will want it. Then the middle school gymnastics team wants in, then the 5th grade basketball team, then preschool volleyball...before you know it...I'm having to drop the latest AP poll and the NBA standings so we can get it in (because it's local, and local comes first according to the higher ups).
I didn't get into this biz to copy-edit and format middle school agate...sorry, call me a bastard I guess...

 

Dear Fan at my alma mater's rival:

Yes, I did graduate from your rival, but no I'm not biased. Personally, I hate that school. I hated it when I was there and I hate it now. If I had my choice I wish an earthquake would swallow it up and take any asshole along with it just so I wouldn't have to deal with pricks like you, and the fans there who are so obnoxious that I almost want to burn my diploma. I can't see because I need it to show people like you that I have an IQ over 40.

Your school beats them in every sport but three. They suck at everything. Focus on the positive. We'll cover you in the winter/spring when you're kicking their ass all over the place.

Love,

FarmerJ

P.S. Dear balding guy who was second-best at everything in high school so he became a referee. Stop getting excited when you make calls. You're only making things worse. The fifth-graders playing in the halftime exhibition show more class.

 

As much as I hate doing the page - meaning compiling all the submitted material, proofing it and then laying it out - I have to admit our once a week KidSports page (runs toward middle or back of Sunday section) is a hit with the community. It's biddy age through middle school game results, pics, features and bulletin board (signups/tryout announcements, youth coaches needed, clinic info). It's all timeless stuff that runs on a space permitted basis. Our online handles carryover week to week and has a master bulletin board so newer stuff gets in print and older stuff is pushed to just Web after a couple print runs. It's not my favorite part of the week, but it is gratifying to get the thank you emails. It brightens what lately have been miserable times at the office thanks to recent layoffs and shady managerial moves.

anyways, you may want to consider something like this.

 

Dear Swim Mom,

Here's an idea: Recognize your kids with a banquet at the end of the year. See, because your kid doesn't read the newspaper and they would really, really like your approval, not ours.

Oh, and don't invite me to your banquet. I don't know you or your kid. And I don't care to.