Dear dimwit on the phone

The semifinals of Kentucky's six-class playoffs are the Friday after Thanksgiving. All championships are played the next weekend (Friday and Saturday) at Western Kentucky in Bowling Green.

 

I would love to have an excuse to be at work all day on Black Friday, rather than having the wife drag me from door-buster to door-buster starting at 5 a.m.

 

Dear Lady,
I understand your frustration with not getting a raise you were promised by your company. That really sucks, especially if what you told me is true about your place of employment only giving raises to a "certain few people."

But unless you give me your name and some info, how can you expect me to help you? My paper has a no anonymous source policy in place, so a story really wouldn't be worth pursuing unless you work with us.

And thanks for calling after 5 p.m. when, as I repeated to you twice, no other reporters or editors were in the building. Also, thanks for getting pissed at me and hanging up on me.

KY

 

Best baseball call ever (from many moons ago):

Me: Sports, how can I help you?

Caller (very out of breath): Yeah, I wanted to call in a score.

Me: OK, what's your score?

Caller (calming a bit): Oh, um, yeah, the score? (5-second pause). Oh, yeah, um, we won 6-2. Big game! Big win! We're super-excited.

Me: I can tell. What team won? And what team lost?

Caller: Oh, um, I'm calling from Podunk. (then, yelling) Woo-hoo, way to go Bobby!

Me: Sir, Poduck won? Who who did you play?

Caller: Oh, um, who did we play? Hey, Bob, who did we play? Oh, yeah, what am I thinking? We beat ThatTeam.

Me: Congrats on the win. So, you won 6-2. Do you have any details?

Caller: Like what?

Me (now getting annoyed): Who was the winning pitcher? Do you have leading hitters? Did you have a big inning?

Caller: Oh, I don't have any of that.

Me: Are you the coach?

Caller: Oh, no, I'm a parent. I just wanted to let you know so you could give us a big write-up.

Me: Well, is the coach around? Or the person who kept your book?

Caller: Hell no. They've already gone to get ice cream. I told 'em I'd call and take care of it. I really hope you can give us a big write-up. It's such a huge win, and the kids work sooooooooooo hard.

Me: What would we write?

Caller: What do you mean? It's a huge win.

Me: All I have is that Podunk beat ThatTeam 6-2. That's it. If you could call us back with more details or direct the coach or the bookeeper to call us, that would be great.

Caller: Um, no, that's too much trouble. It's a big win. Just give us a big headline. Click.

Me (in my inner monologue): Hell is other people.

 

You should have written a big-ass headline that said just that. In 80-point font "PODUNK BEATS THATTEAM!". Then, no story.

 

Had a similar argument with a reader about five years ago. There were two main differences:
1) Instead of the story not appearing, it was that the story didn't have certain information -- which I did have in my story.
2) It wasn't that she was reading the wrong day's paper. She was reading the wrong paper, one which also happens to cover the school the story was about.

 

I think you may have experienced why she was not one of "the few" who did get raises

 

That's what I was thinking. That was one of the worst calls I've ever taken.

 

Been flooded this week with demands from local martial arts clubs and MMA organizers to "feature" their clubs/events. All of these items I deemed worthy of a small brief on our page...those "national" competitions where you have three kids in the age group.

And yes, that's my final answer, stop harassing me. I'm not on your pay roll — I'm not your personal PR firm. I can pass along the number for our advertising department if you would like more space in our newspaper.

 

But don't you know it's the fastest growing sport in America!

 

On behalf of the lady who handles the birth announcements:

Dear new mom,

How were we supposed to know what "Guaj., Mex." stands for? We got the Mexico part, but when no one at the hospital is able to answer, then, yeah, we're just going to put "Mexico." You don't like it, ask your in-laws how to spell it next time.

(Up) Yours,

Apeman (and the lady who handles birth announcements)

 

Kinda along these lines (but not a dimwit on the phone): I was at a bakery buying kolaches one morning, and there was a sign stuck in one of the pans that was, I believe, informing customers that the kolaches in said pan were of the jalapeno-cheese variety. However, the sign said "Jap-Cheese." The young lady behind the counter never really understood why some folks just might find that sign offensive.