Dear dimwit on the phone

But focusing on the assholes is so much more fun!

 

I'll add a third to this. For every prick I get, there are normally five people who have complimented me. I think Gladwell or Michael Lewis or someone of that ilk pointed out that the human brain tends to focus and dwell on criticism and negativity as opposed to the positive, though.

 

Dear dude who likes to do "research" on high school sports and keeps tabs on (at his last count) 92 schools around the country:

I know you would like me to run the high school's freshmen and JV results. But here's the deal: I run what the readers (notice how that's plural) demand. And they haven't been demanding freshmen and JV results. I don't know why and I don't mind because it frees up my time for other stories. So you can quit bitching to me about it at any time, because no matter how hard Little Johnny/Jimmy/Mikey/Billy/Teddy/Eddie/Todd/Kyle/Tucker</carlin> works, I'm not going to worry about it. You. Are. The. ONLY. One who complains.

(Up) Yours,

Apeman.

 

Cal me an BitterOldHack now, but this weekend I got a bit fed up with people calling to write about this and that, so the following roughly took place when a caller called during the Bama-LSU game:

Caller: I am calling to complain. Podunk 7th grade won the district championship and there wasn't any mention of it. Don't you cover Podunk?
Me: Yes we do but typically if we get jr. high scores they go in our weekly roundup.
Caller: Well you should have a write up about the championship.
Me: Ma'am. How many 7th grade games did you attend before your son started playing football?
Caller: Well, I. Wait, did I say my son played?
Me: He doe doesn't he?
Caller: Yes. But that's not the issue. A lot of kids play.
Me: How long have you been reading our paper?
Caller: I've subscribed since 2000.
Me: So apparently the 7th grade scores were never important to you the last 11 years, right?
Caller: Well, um...
Me: And how interested are you going to be in a write up on the 7th grade team when your son is the high school QB?
Caller: Well, um...
Me: And that's why those scores go in our roundup.

 

Dear athletic director at the local college,

We ran the story about you resigning because my publisher's masseuse is the wife of the guy who's taking over for you, and broke the story to him. Not because we had no "professional respect and courtesy" for you.

Oh, and nice move filing your complaint with my boss, instead of talking to me or my reporter about it. I guess that shouldn't come as a surprise though, given that you haven't spoken a word to me in the past two years.

I was going to apologize for the fact my reporter couldn't get in touch with you by deadline while also covering two games at your college (which you were not at), but given the tone of your emails to my boss, I won't waste my time. Neither will he.

 

Haven't listened to Rome since I went back to nights, but, RACK IT!

 

So I've had the local small-town booster club on my back all week with phone calls and letters trying to get a cheesy "Isn't it great all our teams are going to state" story into the paper. So today, I'm out at their boys soccer first round playoff, and the booster club president tracks me down and asks "So, I guess you're out here to celebrate our four teams all making state, huh?"

"Just covering the game today," I reply.
"We don't you think it's just great that all our teams are in state?"
Luckily at this point, a goal was scored, and I uttered something like "Oh, I've got to get this in my notes" and made my escape.

Geesh...our state has made it where if you're not last in your league, you get into the playoffs, so no, I really don't think it's that great of an accomplishment. Ask me one more time, and I'll have to give it to your straight

By the way Podunk's mighty soccer team got hammered 4-1 in the first round.

 

Scrub receiver with (I kid you not) a 12-letter last name makes his first catch of the season in mop-up action during the ninth game. We run full stats on the local teams each week, so five days later there's Zach Twelveletterlastname[tab]1-5[tab]5.0[tab]0 in the receiving column.

Momma wants to let me know that his name is Zachary and that's what we should use in the future. First, the roster the team puts in each week's game program has him listed as Zach. Second, if you will notice how little white space there is between Twelveletterlastname and his 1-5, you should be able to figure out that "ary" ain't gonna fit.

If the kid had caught a pass for 10 yards or more, we would have been forced to go with Z. Twelveletterlastname.

 

That's what I was going to say...just make the kid Z.

 

Hey, juco women's basketball coach:

First, I'm not your publicity department. You want me to only accentuate the positives or pump up what the potential of the team is, tell the school to start a sports information department.

Second, you lost by 25 to a team that lost its game the night before by 25. You committed 44 turnovers. You shot 25 percent from the field. There were stretches of up to 9 minutes between field goals.

So you're disappointed in how I wrote about the game? Well, then, here's what you gotta do: Don't commit 44 turnovers, shoot something better than 25 percent and try to score more often.

Next time, you also might not want to wait until you followed up that spectacular loss with a loss to a four-year school (NAIA Division I) junior varsity. That's not going to help convince me of how good you think you are.

And are "those people" truly "shocked" that I wrote these "negative" things or are you trying to cover up for either the quote you made about "freshman mentality" or the fact that this team just might not be as talented as you thought they were?

 

why bother cover a team so bad...I'm guessing they've probably slipped way down your priority list already.

 

It's only three games into the season. And they're the only game in town right now (aside from the men, who make the women's team look like the 72-10 Bulls) until the high school season gets going.

But, again, if a team is going to go out and lose by 25 to a crappy team then lose to a JV team, my writing is not what the coach should be focusing on.