Dear dimwit on the phone

Well, may as well write this one in advance.

Dear angry caller who didn't appreciate my latest column,

Yes, I wrote it to piss you off. Just you, no one else. Glad you're too closed minded to actually read the message of the column and instead called because someone wrote a piece about private schools in our area that didn't bash the hell out of them. Again, I want you to know that I specifically wrote it to piss YOU off.

Hugs and kisses
-SchiezaInc

 

Honest to Tebow, I'm reading this thread when the phone rings.
"Yeah, how come you didn't run the college thing this year?"
Um, the WHAT?
"The college basketball thing, that has who all the teams play. You always used to run that."
The NCAA bracket?
"Yeah!"
It ran Monday.
"Where? I didn't see it."
The bottom third of B5.
"Oh, B5. I'll have to look."
It's running again tomorrow. Look for the words COLLEGE THING in big letters.
Click.

 

Ditto.

It always amazes me the people who brag about the irrelevancy of the newspaper, and then call and complain when something is missing.

 

Dear old man with speech impediment,

Yes, I do happen to know what time FU State is playing its first tournament game. I do, because it's scrolls by every two minutes on the sports channel, the same sports channel I can hear causing feedback in your phone because you have it turned up so god damn loud in the background. When you call back tomorrow at the same time, I will tell you the same exact thing.

Sincerely yours,
What's left of my sanity

 

Dear dumbass,

I'm paid to cover area sports - i.e. high school - at the hyperlocal Podunker. I don't know who won a fight at MMA and I frankly don't give a shit. It's called the internet - look it up yourself.

Sincerely,
Underpaid, overworked Podunk sports editor who is trying to hold on to my last bit of sanity.

 

Dear caller:

No, we don't know why CBS is showing a different game than the one you want to watch. Maybe because it's a more exciting game, or there's less time on the clock. Or maybe they do it just to piss off people like you.

And no, I'm not going to call CBS to ask them why and I'm not doing a story. I don't make editorial decisions for CBS. Go call them yourself.

Sincerely,

Unhappy sports journalist

 

Dear small-school softball scorekeeper,

When the ball gets past the catcher, it can be one of three things: A passed ball, a wild pitch or a stolen base. If your runner was headed for the next base on the play, then it's a stolen base. If not, it's either a passed ball or a wild pitch. It is not a stolen base EVERY TIME, which is why we didn't write about your team's 21 stolen bases in a mercy rule-shortened game.

 

Dear e-mailer,

I'm sorry we didn't have coverage of your alma mater's run to the Division II regional or national or whatever tournament. You see, the school is about 30 miles outside of our coverage area. We don't throw papers there at all and our circulation manager said we don't even have a rack in that town. Plus, the only local kid on the team is averaging less than two minutes and less than one point per game.

That said, if the AP had covered it we'd have run it.

Thanks for reading,

Inky

 

I've had that argument with a coach who tried to nominate 4 players on his team that each had over 70 stolen bases in a 20 game season. Um, no coach...I've seen you guys play, you didn't even get 12 stolen bases that season!

 

Hate to play Devil's Advocate here, but there are easy ways beyond AP to satisfy that reader.
Find the school's website, go to the box score, write an 8-10 inch story off the play by play and stat sheet and maybe steal a quote off the SID's story/press release/quote sheet, and you've got yourself some coverage. Might even give your paper an edge over a competitor that's ignoring them. Takes 20 minutes and you haven't spent an extra dime.

 

You're not helping here...

 

Dear every non-sports person in my shop,

I completely laid out your 16-page broadsheet special section, that's not even a sports section, in a total of nine hours yesterday, three hours of which was me just making it look pretty. Next time you think I need to go to a meeting about your stupid sections, trust me, I don't. I know what I'm doing and I'm awesome at it so please, don't bore me with your tales of how you don't have enough time to do extra things because it takes you 40 hours per week to layout six pages of content.

In other words, I rule and you drool.

Sincerely yours,

SchiezaInc.