Dear dimwit on the phone

Dear (insert sport here) tournament/camp organizer:

Stop wasting my time with a phone call to ask if you can send an announcement in. You don't need my permission. Just send the damn thing in (preferably before my deadline) and I'll figure out if it should run. And, no, I don't need to know what it's about. If it's written properly, it should be in your release.

 

Dear event planner for whatever organization has just called. The radio business is paid for by advertising. Please remember that when you pay for a quarter page ad in the paper for your event and then call and ask me for a free public service announcement. Remember that our policy (printed in several places is that we will not offer you free advertising for something you are paying for somewhere else), so when I point this out to you, please don't tell me I obviously don't care about my community, or kids, or seniors, or skateboarders, or the VFW, or whatever organization you are. You seem to understand how the newspaper makes their money (and I don't begrudge them their money), but don't seem to get that we make our money the same exact way.

All my best,

Dirk

 

My favorite - we have 500-word limit in big, black font on the editorial page, yet some local troublemaker insists on writing "War and Peace" every time he pontificates on the local school board. I printed a couple, then refused, which led him to the local message board, where he tells everyone we're part of a fascist plot.

 

Dear Macaulay Culkin,

It's been it's been 18 years since Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. Isn't it about time for a real sequel? I mean, come on!

Sincerely yours,

SchiezaInc.

 

I prefer to go by Concerned Citizen (or parent or voter or taxpayer, etc.)

Very truly yours,

Anonymous loon

 

I am fixing to get HAMMERED with irate calls over our girls basketball player of the year selection. Batten down the hatches, ladies and gents, I may get a brick through my window this weekend.

 

You deserve it.
You cost her a scholarship.

 

Well played <golf clap>

 

Dear everyone from the Rhode Island television media who was at Tuesday night's NIT game;
Next time, tell me before we start that I'm going to be doing your job. I get you want to talk to the same players I do, but at least ask a question to make me think you're trying. And when you all wait 10 minutes for one player to come out and we create a mass huddle around him, when he's done answering my question, feel free to ask one of your own instead of making me do, basically, a one-on-one interview that was witnessed and taped by all you, you lazy, lazy fucks.
I expect a check in the mail,
Rhody

 

And I feel truly honored to be the first to give Rhody an "Aaaaaaaaaamen!" from the congregation!

 

Dear lazy idiot from the radio station:

It's bad enough that you're reading my stories on the air verbatim, but would it really hurt you to give the credit to the Podunk Press? You know, like a 'The Podunk Press reported today ..." or something like that?

We know that this isn't your full-time gig, and that you work for free because you love praising the kids on the air. You even bitch to people at the games that I'm not rooting for 'Our team' because heaven forbid, I'm being objective in my coverage.

But seriously, there's this thing call journalistic standards. Yeah, a lot of companies have tossed those by the wayside, but there's still one standard that people look down upon. It's called plagiarism. And when you're reading the feature story I did, quotes and all, on the air, without giving either me or the paper credit, it's stealing.

I expect my check in the mail for doing your research.

Sincerely, go fuck yourself,

Baron.

 

Dear gentle caller,

I am sorry we have not done a story on the player who is no longer on the high school football team (it being March and all) even though you don't know why he is no longer on the team and only know his first name.

I am sorry that you think it's some kind of conspiracy or laziness that we would fail to report that some kid named Jimmy may or may not suit up in the fall for reasons unknown for a mediocre high school team out of the dozens we cover.

Yes, we would look into story ideas -- if you actually had some information or even a credible rumor -- but I am sorry that we cannot satisfy your idle curiousity today.

Perhaps we can look into getting up-to-the-minute, interactive high school rosters throughout the year so we can immediately call each school to see why Jimmy or Johnny or Jason is not penciled in at linebacker anymore.

Thanks for calling,

Ace