Dear dimwit on the phone

And she worked so hard.

 

My latest:

Dear people who want their photo taken:

We're all in the same time zone here. Your 5:30 p.m., therefore, should be the same as mine. But for some reason, your 5:30 is much, much closer to 6 (as in 5:55). This needs to be resolved. Next time, I will be there at 5:25 to get things ready. If you have not arrived — or at the very least called me since I did give you my cell phone so you could call if you were running late — by 5:45 "my time," I will leave.

Thanks,

Apeman

 

I had that happen once at my first weekly. A local bar, which was an advertiser, was having a volleyball tournament on a Saturday for a trophy, with the entry fee going to charity, and they wanted coverage. My publisher agreed and had me call them for the details early in the week.

I was told that the event started at 11 a.m. and was going to go on for a couple of hours, so I figured I'd show up around 12, take some photos, do my interviews and leave and get the final result on a phone call. Well, I get there, and see no one around except for a couple of people drinking at the bar. The owner tells me that they decided to push it back to start at 4.

Now, keep in mind, this paper didn't pay me overtime, and I was pretty tired of working for free. So I told the bar owner that I already had other plans for later in the afternoon (which was hanging out with my girlfriend, aka, my future wife) and since they didn't tell me about the time change earlier, that I couldn't change them.

Come Monday, I get a call from the publisher, who was annoyed that I had bailed. Apparently, the bar owner had complained to him about my leaving, neglecting, of course, to tell him that they had changed the time. I told him about how they didn't tell me about the time, and he said that he agreed with me, but wanted me to call her and apologize. I told her that I had nothing to apologize for, that she should have notified me about the change. He finally, after some hemming and hawing, asked that I just call her and arrange for a photo of her handing a check to the charity person, which I did.

One of the not very fun episodes of my journalism career.

 

Dear enraged parent:

I understand that you think your daughter is the second coming of Cheryl Miller, but she only averaged 5.8 points per game this year and I'm sorry but that is not good enough to make our all-area team. We have 12 spots, plus a player of the year. Your daughter simply didn't make the cut this year.
No please stop e-mailing and calling our department saying we somehow show favoritism to Podunk High over Whogivesacare High. Get over it. Your daughter is a bench warmer and nothing more.

Signed,

I should have listened to my dad and been a doctor.

 

Caller: Can you tell me when the Braves' first game is?

Me: The Braves' first regular-season game is at 4:10.

Caller: In the afternoon?

---------

Unless this guy was at Fulton County Stadium for the Rick Camp 19-inning game in the 80s, why in hades would baseball being played at 4:10 NOT mean the afternoon.

 

Not nearly as hard as that senior cheerleader...and by the way when will you be posting the "All-Area" cheer squad?

 

Thank you for this.

 

So she chained up her dog so another dog could rape it, and then took pictures?

Tooooo kinky.

But she can probably get rich on the Internet.

 

After we told her we wouldn't run a story, she ended up writing a Letter to the Editor. If I can find it in the stacks, I'll post it. It was good comedy for a few days here.

 

Or in the NFL.

 

Dear Middle School Wrestling Coach,

I assure you: When I say "I'll definitely take it under consideration" in regards to a story about your start-up program (if it gets off the ground), I mean it. I'm not just trying to get rid of your call after deadline on a Saturday night.

You seem like a nice enough guy. I know it means a lot to you. I appreciate that you consider the paper an important part of getting your program noticed by prospective grapplers.

JUST STOP PITCHING. I get it already.

- E. Row

 

Dear Middle School wrestling parent:

I understand that your neighbor's kid (do you have a name?) beat two other wrestlers to win the state's South Region championship pee-wee bracket. As much as I would like to do a full-length feature on Scooter, complete with an inside photo spread, I just don't think we have enough information here to get it off the sports briefs page.

I hope that this relegation does not cost Scooter his chance to wrestle at Iowa on a full ride. I'm guessing most college coaches will read of his harrowing State South Regional effort in next week's Sports Illustrated or perhaps see his exclusive ESPN interview.

Thanks for the heads up on this inside scoop, and please forward me the kid's name and his parents' contact info at your earliest convenience. Any time before the end of the year would be fine.