Dear dimwit on the phone

Dear Bowling Alley owner:

When you send in your results, don't be putting nicknames in place of their regular names. We don't know if your bowlers actually like their nicknames, and we're too damn busy typing in JV girls swimming agate to track them down.

And we have thousands of people reading our paper, most of whom have no clue about your stupid little inside jokes. So don't tell me that everyone knows what you're talking about.

Sincerely,


Overworked and underpaid sports editor

 

Dear Tennis Mom:

Call me.

 

Dear Track coach:

Just because you took 15 kids to a meet does not mean everyone will get their names in the paper. As we do every spring, we send out e-mails and faxes stating a kid only gets their name in the paper if they finish in the top-3. I do not care if his ninth place finish was a personal best.

Sincerely,

Lonely and desperate.

 

I can't make the cavemen on the other side stop using the fax machine and switch to e-mail. After all, it was hard enough to get them to use a fax machine in the first place.

 

Awesome.

 

Dear crazy woman:

When I answer the phone "Sports, this is Spike," please don't hash into a story of a crazy gas station owner who threatened your husband with a gun because he wanted his money back because the can of soup you bought at the place was expired! No. 1, I'm not a news reporter and 2) IF SOMEONE THREATENS YOUR LIFE...CALL THE COPS FIRST, NOT US!
And No. 3, go to WalMart or Kroger to buy cans of soup you psycho!

Thanks, next time just buy a slurpee and get out.

 

Dear Dumbass Who Called This Afternoon,

When you call and ask what time the game is, feel free to elaborate a bit. Tell us, for example, what game you're talking about. Also, don't act surprised when you have to elaborate, especially on a Friday. There's more than one game going on. Thank you.

 

Dear person who calls every night to find out what sports on t.v. that night.

We print the entire t.v. guide in our paper every day and also have a sports on t.v. section on our scoreboard page. Better yet, how about you call your television provider to find out instead of me!

As always thanks for being a valued customer of the newspaper.

 

We have a Div. II public school team that's usually in the Top 10 that does this. THIS ISN'T SUMMER LEAGUE ANY MORE. Almost makes me want to lobby the referees' associations to make this a technical foul.

 

And that you can spell your players' names.

 

Dear volunteer youth sports writer,
Before you send your article, please take a few minutes to go over it and make sure that everything is as it should be (at least as far as you're concerned). If you send a "revised edition" later, our editorial assistants may not be able to replace what you originally sent.

 

Dear college AD:

You know we have a job to do. So why do you persist in kissing the departed football coach's ass by telling us that we can't shoot video of his press conference because we're in your room? Do you honestly think we're stupid? (Wait, don't answer that).

Sincerely,

TV journalists.