Dear dimwit on the phone

Ohio has something similar (I would post the name of the website, but it's bookmarked at work and I am at home).
When I was in Michigan, our paper hosted a huge "all-star" event for the 60+ teams in the area. It was all based on personal bests that season and the Top 8 of each event made the cut. It would have been a terrible pain in the ass, but by the time I got there in 2006, they had started a website that coaches had to log into to post info. All I had to do when I ran a weekly update was copy pasta and format it a bit. Very helpful.

 

That can't get by without a curtain call from the dugout.

 

Somehow I glossed over that, but well done.

 

(takes bow)

 

Dear (Non)dimwit on the phone,

I must applaud you for calling to ask what our style is for our newspaper to submit the team's soccer scores. Using the word "agate" really gets you a bump in the "favorite caller" category.
Copy, paste, done! You rock.

OK, so I noticed that you are an Assistant-SID at a mid-major, but still...

 

gamechanger.io and iscorecast.com are lifesavers for people like me...

 

Not on the phone, but ...

I'm the PA announcer at the high school where I work. I'm standing outside my classroom door, doing hall duty when one of the baseball players' moms walks up to me and says "I heard they gave (someone who is not my son) the winning pitcher. My son has won every game he's ever started, and his streak shouldn't have been broken because it was 8-0 when he left the game." Actually, I announced it, but I'm a very unofficial scorer .

"Ma'am, he was the starting pitcher and only pitched two innings (it was one of those "bullpen days"). Every stats manual there is says the starting pitcher has to pitch at least half the game to be credited with the win."

An hour later, the AD walks into my room and asks me about it -- she didn't get a good explanation from me, so she went up the flagpole, bound and determined to change a 100-year-old scoring rule because her son got a no-decision in a blowout win.

And I thought I had given this stuff up when I walked away from both journalism and coaching.

 

And this is why physical violence should be tolerated toward stupid people.

 

Dear glib jackass with too much time on his hands:

When we make mistakes, we appreciate readers taking the time to tell us so we can fix them rather than just having them go uncorrected. But in the future when you email us to tell us that we misused a word, I'd appreciate it if you could do it without the snide comment ("I don't expect to get a response from you") tacked on at the bottom.

I'm sorry that you must have contacted us previously about mistakes and not been properly acknowledged -- or that you weren't held enough as a child, or whatever your problem is. And I'm sorry we're not all perfect grammarians like you. And I'm sorry that you feel it necessary to hit us with glib put-downs -- the folks who work nights and weekends to provide the news you read for free on the internet.

Tell you what ... you and I can switch places. You can sit in my chair and read a mountain of copy late at night, with a ticking clock, and when you make a grammar, spelling or language usage mistakes -- no matter how minor -- I'll fire off a snot-nosed email.

Deal?

Will you respond to my offer? I don't expect you will.

Take care, then, dickhead.

 

Minus the profanity, and with some minor word changes, I think this is a perfectly fair response.

 

I don't feel like rehashing the call, but...

Dear swim parent,

Go fuck yourself.

—CA_J

 

Dear PR flackie for the local political officers,

I feel like I've said this here before but let me repeat because, well, it is worth repeating.

Contrary to your beliefs, I do not need to know each and every thing the local Congressman is doing something in our coverage area. Yes, I get that it's an election year and your office wants him to seem like he's busy but I don't need an announcement a couple of days before he's going to fart in our area, a reminder the day before that he's going to fart in our area, a phone call the day he plans to fart in our area and two press releases immediately following the fart.

We get it. He traveled to our area.

Whoop De Do.

Please only send us press releases that, maybe, possibly, have news value.

-Yours in Christ,

Schieza.