Dear dimwit on the phone

This board? Maybe it's me, but it's not all that easy.

I am old and sometimes cranky. I do not think we should ever condone violence and death, even in humor.

(That's one of the big issues I had with the BU front page. Rape is never funny in my world).

But, you have at least humored me, and I appreciate that.

 

I keep referring to Belwood Blues from Chicago.

 

Would it be better if I amend my statement to: "I hope she died in a raging dumpster fire set by a homeless nun on a PCP rampage."? I figure, the more specific and obtuse you can be...the funnier it is.
Yes, I am a sick, sick boy.

 

Nuns are never funny.



"The penguins."

 

There is no name I despise more than Zack, Zach, Zac, Zak, Zaq

 

Got a call from an angry dad during football season wondering why we didn't cover homecoming. It was a perplexing call considering the gamer was the top story on the sports front. When informed that, angry dad said, "But what about the parade?"

 

Lady called our desk Sunday afternoon, wanting us to cover her son signing his "scholarship papers" later in the day.

Did I mention that we're talking about Easter Sunday?

Or that it was a community college signing?

Asked which school he was signing with, she replied: "I don't know, he wouldn't tell me."

My Sunday guy fended her off, with my blessings. Later, I realized that she had left me a voice mail Sunday at 10 a.m., hoping to arrange the signing photo. I did mention that it was Easter, right?

 

Little girl in a hippie area of western Vermont.

I am told her name is "Nicolina," but that it's an odd spelling.

Yeah.

N-I-K-O-L-I-N-E, with an accent over the "E."

 

Got an email forwarded to me today that wanted us to mention the "great success" of the local under-10 girls soccer team that, apparently, is the greatest of all time.

These are the first three paragraphs. I swear to God the only editing I did was remove the team name and replace it with "PODUNK".

I swear.

==

"Is it a Hat Trick or a Trifecta? Whatever you call it, the [PODUNK] girls U10 Indoor soccer team won all the divisions of indoor soccer this year.

[PODUNK], U10 Girl’s Indoor Soccer team sweeps all three divisions of indoor this year, winning the C, B and the open-division championships

Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Put 'em together and what have you got? An [PODUNK] soccer Cinderella story.

What these girls lacked in ranking going into this indoor soccer season, they made up for in heart. "

 

The weekly in our area would probably run that as is...and even try to slap a staffer's byline on it.

 

This happened quite a while ago, but it is rehashed with great fondness by our sports department this time of the year. A veteran high school softball coach was calling in her linescore. In addition to the score by innings and the batteries of both teams, we also printed extra-base hits. After taking the linescore, the drill was to get a quick quote from the coach and maybe an important detail from the game. According to the linescore that she had just given, Rhonda Jones had hit a home run. When asked about it and what inning it occurred, I was told that Rhonda was thrown out at the plate. I swear, I am not making this up. This is what followed ...

Me: Well, then that's not a home run.
Coach: But she hit it really far!

 

They quoted Cinderella? And very poorly I might add?

Put them on the front page!