Dear dimwit on the phone

At my previous gig, I started a story about a local personal trainer/gym owner, but he kept blowing me off when he knew I had just put my two weeks' notice in. I never got to finish the story, and I got a series of phone messages over the next two weeks that started out, "I know you don't work there any more, but could you just finish that story on me for that paper?"

 

Dear Ad department,

I don't know what kind of deal you've got with the local Little Leagues in our area and I don't care. The policy for Little League results has always been that they'll go in 1.) When we have space and 2.) When we have time to format them correctly.

So, something has changes magically this season, don't go guaranteeing anybody they're results will get printed. First, it's not your section and you WILL NOT dictate to me what goes in said section. Second, I've got better things to spend my time on than combing through Little League results for two hours because every coach who does take the time to submit these results apparently has no idea how email actually works and thinks someone out there actually prefers faxes.

In conclusion, do your job and keep your nose out of where it doesn't belong.

Hugs and Kisses,

SchiezaInc

 

What Little Leagues would have a budget to place ads in the paper?

 

DEAR FISHING WIFE,

No, you didn't go to our receptionist's desk and submit a photo of your husband to my wife. Yes, I'm positive this didn't happen. While you DID submit said photo, it certainly wasn't to my wife ... because I'm not married (don't have a significant other, period) and I'm pretty certain no one at the front desk would claim me anyway.

And FWIW, that your husband caught a 55-pound fish was storyworthy in our small town. Sort of.

The fact the fish is a "prize fish" - which means the fish can be caught and photographed but NOT kept or mounted - yeah, that should have been mentioned to our writer. We shouldn't have found out about that little nifty factoid from the owner of the pay lake.

And sticking with my outdoors rant:

DEAR HUNTIN' GRANNY,

Yes, we do run photos of kids with guns and murdered animals. For free no less.

And yes, it's cool that Son A and Grandson A, Son B and Grandson B and Son C and Grandson C and Granddaughter C all took bucks that all happened to be exactly eight points.

We even ran the photo of Grandson B. Looked it up myself.

But you want them all ran together, in the order you want with the wording you want ... SIX months - an entire college basketball season - after this all went down? Either take out an ad or learn to read, because the box on the page that you want your scrapbook on specifically says "No items older than 30 days will be accepted."

 

Caller today looking for horse racing entries in the paper:

"My husband used to bet on the races, but he don't anymore. Well, he died, really."

 

This may be the best one ever.

 

Dear lady who left my irate message,

1) I was on vacation, as my voice mail clearly stated, so I couldn't return your call that day as asked.
2) I'm sorry the weather forecast was wrong, but I'm guessing it was the weatherman's fault and not ours.
3) I don't have anything at all to do with the weather page, so I don't know why you called me.

Thanks,
Rick

 

Actual e-mail to a buddy of mine, he's a meterologist:

"I guess it doesn't matter how many letters,seal of approval or anything else for that matter because you still missed the forecast on Thursday morning when it rained and I do mean it rained hard, not hard mind you and not for a long time, but when it was over there were puddles in the driveway. Just admit-- you can't out predict GOD and your profession is the only one I know of that you can be wrong 100% of the time and still keep your job!!!!"

I hate people...seriously, if you don't like the way he forecasts...go elsewhere!

 

Dear assistant JV girls lacrosse coach,
Yes, I asked one of your school's varsity players if this was the worst game they played all season. Considering varsity hasn't won a game in three years of existence, scored only 10 goals against a team that gives up more than 12 a game and your varsity head coach said it was the worst game they've played, I thought it was fair.
And no, it's not our job to say something nice about the team. If you actually read the paper, you'd notice that we haven't said anything bad about you guys even though you've now lost 30 games in a row and we've covered your team more than any because we actually think it would be an awesome story when you win. If this was football, you'd be getting butchered. If you want, I can take the kid gloves off and talk about the choke job the offense threw up today and how you've had no problems scoring when you're down 10, but when things get tight everything falls apart.
If it wasn't for the varsity head coach being so great in this process - and the kids thanking me every time I come to a game, even though it's my job - I'd be a hell of a lot more critical and ask why the hell the school is funding a team that has no hope.
Sincerely,
A guy who missed the state press award dinner to watch your shitty team.

 

I have a team in Mass. that appears to suck just as bad as yours, we should get them together. Losers buys the beers.

 

You could both write stories about how hard the kids are trying!

 

and a game story that ends in a tie and nobody wins!