Dear dimwit on the phone

The last time I had a land line, I listed it under my middle name and used my first name for my byline. My last name, while not Smith or Jones, is just common enough that there were a few families in the area with the same.

One overenthusiastic football dad called me at home on a Sunday night after going through all the other listings of the same last name. Shortly after, I went cell-only.

 

5:45 a.m., the day I had spent almost the entire previous day covering the Boston Marathon, two-plus hours from home.

"Why didn't you list my husband."

 

Dear horseshoe pitcher's wife,
I understand it has been a week since we took your husband's photo for winning some tournament, but we've had a lot of things that we've needed to run. We understand it has been a little longer than you would like, but the rational response to "we promise to get it in tomorrow's paper" is not to threaten to call our corporate office to complain about us. My SE was probably more apologetic than he needed to be since this is horseshoes after all. Yelling at him and hanging up does not endear yourself to us. It's horseshoes! For the love of Tebow, woman, it's horseshoes!

Sincerely,
Spartan

 

You know, I'm really surprised that some publishing company doesn't publish a Yellow Pages of cell phone numbers. Probably could make a boatload of money.

 

Yes, sorry miss...but after we came to our senses we realized we had just shot horseshoes. Yeah, it won't be running. Click.

 

I've always wanted to ask, especially when I have one day designated to team photos/community announcements, if the subjects lose their title if their photo doesn't run by a certain date, kind of like milk expiring?

 

I believe the policy at my last shop was that if it didn't run within a week the title was declared vacant and the horseshoe pitcher/ competitive cheer team/ youth softball player had to publicly declare that they had no athletic prowess and their families didn't love them anymore.

 

Is it like Miss America, where if the winner is unable to serve, the first runner-up gets his/her/its photo in? Or like the NCAA where its declared vacant?

 

I'm sorry that we misidentified your son in last night's football story, but there's not much we can do when kids decide to switch numbers. If that night's program has #10 listed as Hugo Hannity, then #10 is going to be Hugo Hannity.

Or I suppose after the game I could stand in the handshake line and ask each kid "okay, so are you really Hugo Hannity?" Geesh.

 

Hated that. Once when I was an SID, some of our baseball players would switch jerseys between games of a doubleheader .... and not tell anyone in the press box. Then when I found out later, I had to go back and redo the stats.... after pulling a few hairs out.

People, players wear numbers for a reason.

 

The kissing cousin to this being, of course, doing football tab pictures at one of your small outer rim area schools during the first week of practice, or on any day that is not the designated "picture day."
Nothing worse than driving 45 minutes each way, then having the coach look at you like you just asked to borrow $20 as he says, "Well, we haven't handed out their jerseys yet. Do they have to wear them?"
I once had a coach hand out practice jerseys with the most rudimentary of numbers on them. They were either falling off or on there as colored tape. I figured I'd try to make it work and get the hell out of there. Then, about a dozen players in, I realized I'd been seeing the same five numbers over and over. They were taking their picture, then taking off the jersey and handing it to someone else.
That was a fun day.

 

Dear girl I barely knew in high school,
I think it's great that you went through all the trouble of finding out my cell phone number from my best friend -- who you wouldn't tell why you needed my number -- but no, I can not stop your name from being in the paper after you've been arrested.
Now excuse me while I hang up, giggle to my best friend and place bets on your crime and search the police blotter.

FarmerJ