Dear dimwit on the phone

I run announcements once a week, bundled with submitted team photos, on Tuesdays, since its our slowest day of the week in terms of local content. I'll cut them to bare bones: What, where, when, cost, contact point (phone, email, website, social media page). It's a public service. Yeah, you could charge, but is the extra cash worth the backlash? And groups that want more have the option of buying an ad if they want.

A couple of months ago one of the local kidball leagues wanted me to sign a paper verifying an announcement of a board meeting had only run a certain number of times so they could hold a new board election (probably one of those only-in-kidball pissing contests). I showed the letter to our editor, we both had a good laugh and ignored their pleas.

 

Sir,

I'd love to put the Heisman Trophy winner in today's paper. Unfortunately that won't be given out for another three days. But thanks for the angry message.

 

Obviously...he's a big fan of the award!

 

Had a caller today upset over the order our basketball stats database places kids when it spits out a box score into the paper. Her kid scored 12 points and was listed second to last. Our database just puts the kids in alphabetical order.

I tried really, really hard to give a damn.

 

That's just funny. We don't have a database -- numerical starters then bench when we staff a game, however the coach gives them to us when it's a phoner. No complaints ... yet.

 

Nosy bastards want to know which one of their neighbors was at fault. Thus the gossip on Twitter begins.

 

Had a caller once who complained that we ignored every single Sunday NFL game in Monday's paper... even though the last preseason games were just played two days earlier.

 

Caller: I'm president and owner of the local semi-pro football team and I don't like the changes you people made to our listing in the events calendar.
Me: OK
Caller: For one, you changed it from "semi-pro" to "adult league" football.
Me: Professional athletes get paid, right? Do semi-pro athletes get semi-paid? Or do they pay for their own gear and actually pay to play?
Caller: They have to pay for equipment and league dues and team fees.
Me: So it costs them money? They aren't getting paid?
Caller: Right.
Me: Sir, in that case the slow-pitch softball league could call itself semi-pro. So could the rec league soccer teams and the winter golf league.
Caller: Oh, OK.

 

Ah, the joys of dealing with semi-pro sports.

 

But have you ever been told by the editor to type up agate of the local semi-pro basketball team's games because they sent out a release and he or she thought that they were of some importance?

 

Yes, I saw where your school's band won the top award in the Podunk Christmas Parade...No, we don't run competition results in the sports section...Well, just because band is recognized by the state high school association, doesn't mean they consider it a sport. Forensics and theatre is recognized, too. ...I agree they work hard. I was in my high school band all four years, and marched in the band for two years at college... Ma'am, my high school's trumpet section was almost as big as Bumblefuck's entire band, but that's beside the point...I don't know what your director is telling you, or the kids, but your band did not beat either of the two Podunk schools...They were host bands, and didn't compete...Hold on, I'll check. Counting the two Podunk bands? Four. Congratulations.

 

So you send the band stuff to news side or the "Hometown" or similar section.

And in some places, there *is* interest in semi-pro teams.

Oh, yeah, get off my lawn.