Dear dimwit on the phone

Activity. If you can do it well drunk, you're not playing a sport.

I don't like how cheerleading waits until the end to post scores. In RI, they do that with gymnastics and I think it's ridiculously stupid. The "sport" would be so much better if teams knew where they stood headed to their last rotation.

Listen, my definition for sport is something I do when people start saying stuff like "cheerleading isn't a sport." Why? Because their definition of what doesn't make cheerleading a sport would eliminate other sports that we have no problems covering.
Bottom line: Cheerleading - not a sport. Competitive cheerleading - sport.
It's not the greatest thing in the world to cover, but give it a chance. Plus, it's a cash cow. The RIIL made it an official varsity sport - now, they run the thing like shit, but whatever - because of how much money they make off the gate at big meets, sales of stupid t-shirts, etc.
I'm not saying cover every meet like it's a football game, but cover a big one - and before you do, tell your ads people to sell the shit out of it. Tell them to show up to sell subscriptions. People go nuts over this stuff and it will make your paper money.

 

The local DII college has a couple male cheerleaders, including one quite portly gentleman who, while he appears not to be able to touch his knees, routinely does standing backflips. It is the most impressive display of athleticism I have ever seen.

 

Today's e-mail:

Woman whose son plays on a 9U USSSA baseball team that won the World Series wants us to cover the ceremony for them before the minor league baseball game on Friday night.

She informs us that they "qualified" for the World Series by finishing fifth in the state tournament. And now that they won the World Series (one of two played in the country that weekend), they are No. 1 in the nation (translation: they've played in so many tournaments they've earned enough points to now be ranked No. 1).

Oh, and we better be there because TV news crews will be covering it. Right — the nearest TV stations are 70-95 miles away.

 

Time for sports fans and sports writers to reclaim the sports page .....

 

My email of the week wants to know why his daughter's 12U softball team winning a "state" championship didn't get on A1. Because "when the two football teams won state championships you put it on the front page." Yes, high school varsity football.

 

Dear mom of karate kid,
Please don't call me and say we cover way too much football and baseball and think I should a story on martial arts because it keeps kids off drugs. And you think this story deserves a lot of coverage. The reason why we do so much football and baseball because my readers care about them. I couldn't care less if your son got 2nd place in some karate thing in town and that it kept your kids off drugs.

 

You should have some fun with that.

You: "So are you suggesting that football and baseball players are all on drugs?"

Karate Mom: "I just think martial arts has helped my son."

You: "I imagine it helps to be able to defend yourself with all the dangerous crack-smoking football players running around town. Have you contacted the police?"

Karate Mom: "No. ... I ... I am not suggesting that. I just think that ....

You: "I understand your fear. Your son won't always be around to protect you. But if you were willing to testify to the illegal actions of the football and baseball players, I can write about it. For now, it's your word against theirs."

Karate Mom: "Never mind. I'll call the TV station."

 

What's wrong with a karate feature?

 

It's not football, baseball or basketball.

 

Dear Karate Mom:

I know we always used to run the results of the All-Valley Karate Tournament. That's because the owner of the Cobra Kai dojo used to send in the results and a picture of him and the champion each year. He didn't do it this year, and he did not answer his phone.

You called and told me that your son winning the tournament was a great story that should be in our paper. He was beating the same guys who had been picking on him and kicking his ass since you guys moved here from New Jersey. Well first, if he was getting his ass kicked, why didn't you, as his mother, call the fucking cops and have those guys arrested?

Second, after having them arrested, why didn't you contact a lawyer and have him sue their country-club rich parents' asses? You then would have been able to afford a real karate trainer instead of relying on some handyman.

And third, why did you, as his mom, continue to allow him to compete after having his leg injured by those opponents that you claim were cheating? Don't you care about your son's health, or was winning a big trophy all you gave a shit about?

See, these are tough questions to ask. And in a newspaper, we would be asking you and your son these questions. Feel uncomfortable? It's not all, "How do you feel?" questions.

So, Karate Mom, your story just sounds a little too Hollywood for us to put in. Thank you, and don't forget to wax on, wax off.

Sincerely,

Sports Editor who wonders why your son didn't just buy a gun for $50 off the streets.

 

Ah, yes, USSSA and any youth softball association's "World" tournaments. Some of which are actually on a lower rung on the ladder than "Nationals."

I had a softball team come two weeks ago that was second in a "World Series." It had 17 teams — split into divisions and I don't think the division winners played each other at any point. Twelve of the teams were from the Kansas City area.