Dear dimwit on the phone

Ever get callers who preface their question by stating they're a long-time subscriber as if that entitles them to ask away? "I'm a Podunk Chronicle subscriber and my internet's down. Who won the Yankees game, the Red Wings game, the Spurs game and the NASCAR race?"

Some older guy claiming to be a subscriber who didn't get Sunday's paper wanted to know if St. Andrews was in Ireland or Scotland to settle a bet with his sister. But if he had been reading the paper at all, he would've seen the location in the dateline and the agate. So instead of answering right away, I actually pointed that out to him and he responded that he needed clarification because he's confused.

 

Why did you put it in the byline?

 

Oops, I typed that in wrong. I meant the dateline.

 

When you call to put something in the briefs section and no one is here, leave a message about your event. Trust me, the answering system can handle it.
Don't leave a message asking us to call you back so you can give us your message, because when I do that and you're not home, I have to leave you a message to call me back about the message you want to give me. Then when you return my call, which was me returning your call, I'm on the other line with someone else and you leave me the same message about calling you back so you can give me your message.

 

Or just send it in an email

 

Hey dimwit,
If your kid doesn't get a Division I scholarship, it isn't because the stats in our paper differ from what the coaches put online. We aren't being "mean" or intentionally slighting your kid.

 

Dear Summer Swim Team,

I didn't think you guys could ever be worse about turning in your results, but you guys out did yourselves this year. Five meet's worth in one batch, then your league championship meet a month after it happened.

So, yeah, when you call and ask why those championship results haven't been run yet, well, I guess I can be honest and say that I'm giving the same priority to getting them into the paper as you did in getting them to me.

 

Dear dimwit letter to the editor spammer,

If you don't want people to immediately delete your mass submission, don't misspell the very first word of your email subject line! Any submission with an email subject line "etter to the editor" is not being opened. It's going right to the trash.

 

amn, you play hardball.

 

Dear football facebook people from North Podunk High:
Your team got blown out by 40 points in its first game. Are four players of the week really warranted? Similarly, you named two from defense for having a combined 23 tackles? I'm pretty sure highlighting tackling is not something you want to do when your defense yielded more than 50 points.

*Edit: My bad, five players of the week and three from defense. Seriously, you sure you had that many playing that well for you on defense?

 

Hey coach,
The reason fewer girls try out for cross country than volleyball isn't because of a lack of newspaper coverage.

 

Fayette SE posts a rant, listing why specific schools have dropped the ball on calling in their games this year.

Prep football: We hate to disappoint you, but ...

This...should go well.

Sorry, but to me, the dimwit here is the SE for thinking people aren't going to just roll their eyes.