Dear dimwit on the phone

So you can get a head start on their obit for the funeral home.

 

It's a warning that they're calling the wrong department, and they know it.

 

I actually enjoyed answering phones back in the day, but, of course, I'm also fascinated by car wrecks. Every phone call from an elderly person was like hitting the Old Man Trifecta, as they almost always would open the conversation with three key phrases:

1. "Say there, listen, young man ...

2. ... I'm [XX] years old ...

3. ... and I'm calling from [name of any major retirement village in the circulation area]."

I always considered it a bonus when the caller would include the state he was calling from, even though the nearest border was 250 miles to the north and we were bounded by water in the other three directions. (Yes, I'm in Florida.)

That would be the preamble to any number of purposes for the call -- what TV station the game is on, who won the game, complaints about not having enough Sally League baseball in the paper, settle a bet, etc. -- and it was fascinating to no end that so many people in this particular demographic felt the need to preface their call using these exact words.

I don't remember which comedian said it first, but there are two groups of people who freely give their age regardless whether it's necessary or appropriate: those just coming into the world ("I'm 6-1/2 years old!") and those on their way out ("I'm 75 years old!").

All this said, as I'm now past the halfway point in my own life according to the actuarial tables, I'm sure I'll do the same thing some day very soon.

 

Fast-forward to 2:25, and this guy will be happy to share his age with you, aprapos of nothing.

 

Here's something new and refreshing:

Dear coach who hasn't given me a single problem in the last 10+ years:
Yesterday when you got your ass completely handed to you by your rival and refused to talk to me, we gave you the benefit of the doubt. We weren't pissed. We weren't even going to run a "Coach declined to comment on his asswhuppin" line.
You know why? Because you call your games in every single time, despite losing 10-0 in soccer when you used to have an above average program until your school started a football team. You're always cordial even when you only win two or three games all year.
So we all talked about it and decided to cut you some slack, and I even figured you'd call and give us a few quotes once you calmed down. And you know what? Not only did you call and give us a few quotes, but you apologized four times for your rudeness.
So cheers people of SportsJournalists.com, we have a shread of humanity in our little world of preps sports.

 

Bumpy: I remember the week when the NFA mothers ganged up on me because, after all, "you love Ledyard."

That was on a Wednesday. On the Saturday, the Ledyard mothers lit into me because "All you write about is NFA."

I figured that when they finally wrestled, *everyone* in the stands would hate me.

 

This wasn't 84-0 was it?

 

No, a mere 6-0 drubbing.

However we did have a weird 85-0 football score in our area. Winning team had only 21 players, so the coach literally couldn't take all his starters out. I think he punted on second down in the second half.

I hate coaches who drastically run up the score, but really, what to you do in that situation? One of the touchdowns were scored when the losing team fumbled in its own endzone. Do you tell your kids not to fall on it?

 

It funny... My brother and I were going through some old VHS tapes and saw one of his 60-0 baseball win. Eventually the team started switch hitting but they were still scoring. How can you put forth proper effort without laying down completely.

 

Phone call from Monday:

*pick up phone* Crotchety old man: ... and the phone number is bad.
Me: Um... can I help you?
COM: Yeah, the phone number on your title page is a fax number.
Me: OK, are you talking about on the Website or in the paper?
COM: On your title page where you list all the names.
Me: OK, so in the paper.
COM: Yeah, on page ... page 2.
Me: OK...
COM: Yeah the number listed for your City Editor is a fax number.
Me: What number?
COM: The number next to her name is a fax number.
Me: You mean the number labeled 'fax'?
COM: Oh, never mind.

 

Way back when the main high school I cover was one of those that "reloaded, not rebulit", the head coach faced a similar problem. They were drubbing another team 49-0 at halftime. He felt that starting the second half with the second team would have been a slap in the face to the other team but his first string returned the second-half kickoff all the way to make it 56-0.

So then, after the next punt he decided to go ahead and put in the second team. He had them running dives up the middle. The other team's first-team defense was still in. They were gaining 12 to 15 yards at a time on very simple plays.
The second team scored two more times. Final score, 70-0.

Afterwards, he says, "What can you do in those situations? You can't start taking a knee with 20 minutes to go."

 

Yep, that's the one I was asking about.

I know a sports writer basically said, "No, they didn't run it up."