Dear dimwit on the phone

At one place I worked, the TV stations would call US for the scores. One colleague would actually intentioanlly give them the WRONG scores, sometimes even the wrong winning team.

Then one day we got a call from a reader claiming we had the score wrong. We assured him it was correct, but he insisted. So we asked him "were you at the game?" He replied: "No, but I saw the highlights on TV."

 

Write a feature in which they are asked to describe the ceilings of the gyms in which they wrestle.

 

Seriously...why make changes...AGAIN?! They just switched it in Oct.

 

Someone has to do SOMETHING to justify their six-figure salary.

 

Because the police reports usually appear on a page at the back of our section, I get the keep-my-name-out-of-the-reports calls all of the time, because they think I'm responsible for those pages.

Had a guy call in one time wanting us to keep his DUI out of the paper. "I have custody of my kids and I might lose them if this gets out," he says. Our cops reporter comes back from getting the reports that day, so I told him about the call. Reporter says, "I already knew he had two kids — according to the report, they were in the car with him when he was arrested." Guy was spotted by cops driving erratically, swerving into the opposite lane and nearly hitting a car head-on.

 

I've got another one...

Dear Mr. Wrestling Parent with the sad life who lives through his kids' accomplishments,

Look, you're a nice enough guy. We've talked on many occasions but, you have to understand that your kids' accomplishments at some Middle School wrestling tournament don't interest me whatsoever.

I will gladly put them in the paper when I have space. You've seen me do this before. But when the choice is between putting a college basketball story in the paper or your little brat's big win over some snot-picking, glue-eating sixth grader, well, it's a no-brainer which one I'm going to go with.

Also, emailing me and saying how "disappointed" you are that we no longer cover the big events in our community isn't going to help your cause. We cover all the big events. There's a reason we weren't there to see your kid.

Sincerely yours,

Not a yearbook but a sports reporter

 

Dear Crusty Old Jackass With A Small-Dick Complex Whose Life Is Apparently Ruined:

We're sorry. 7:30 p.m. ET for the Winter Olympics opening ceremonies apparently means 7:30 p.m. at our little slice of heaven on the West Coast as well. I'll gladly explain this to you once you get off your high horse and stop ranting about how somebody should be fired for an error on an info box during one of two events every four years that suddenly isn't live. Also, thanks for having the class to groan like a 5-year-old bitch and hang up at the very second I told you what time your precious event was on TV.

Love,
Petrie

 

Your letter should have read->

Dear Crusty Old Jackass With A Small-Dick Complex Whose Life Is Apparently Ruined:

No one gives a shit about the Winter Olympics so f*** yourself and find something better to waste your time on.

 

Schieza, you made my night.

 

I'm seriously considering putting the number of our local NBC affiliate on a Post-It Note (tm) on my phone for when, not it, this call comes!

 

And while on the subject of the Olympics:

Dear Retard stuck in the 1950s

O.K., we get it that you're a fan of the Winter Olympics. But you do realize that when you're watching the figure skating at night, that event had already happened earlier in the day, do you?

If you don't realize that, then you really need to learn about the whole concept of time zones, which you should have learned in fourth grade. Because you see, the world does not revolve around your timezone. When the figure skating competition is in Europe, they're not skating at 6 in the morning. They skate at their nighttime.

So, don't blame us for publishing the results of the competition in our afternoon paper or for putting them up on our web site. I'm sorry if knowing the results will ruin your enjoyment of the competition. But you see, NBC likes to pretend that what you are watching is live. Thing is, it ain't. When NBC is televising your competition, the competitors are already asleep, or out partying or hooking up with some random Swedish alpine skier.

You see, back in the so-called good-old days, the TV networks could pretend that what you were watching was live. Then came this little invention called The Internets. Now, news is a 24-hour cycle. People can find out news as it's going on.

And no, we're not going to withhold the results for another day. It's not our fault that NBC chooses to show their stuff on tape-delay instead of live in the hopes of getting bigger ratings.

Sincerely,

Hip and cool sports editor at afternoon paper.

 

Dear Retard,

a) what he said

b) The ones who decide when Olympic events will be held and when they will be televised are the IOC and NBC, respectively. If those times do not happen to coincide, go bitch to them.

c) fuck yourself, rusty chainsaw, etc etc

Love,

Another hip and cool sports editor