Depression, Part II

All the time. Crowds just set me on edge, so you can imagine the barrel full o' fun that was covering Big 12 football.

I'd love to do something about it, but my supposedly top-notch health coverage doesn't include a therapist or anti-depressants. :-\ Not sure I'd want to try Paxil, either, as I'm already losing chunks of hair by the day.

 

I was talking to someone yesterday who couldn't believe that I've never in my life approached someone I didn't know in a public place and started a conversation. I don't think that would be considered social anxiety, but social dysfunction for certain.

 

Wow. Word for word, Sam ... word for freaking word.

The ability to compartmentalize is a Godsend.

 

First of all, thank you for your concerns and advice. I'll try to touch on as many topics as possible.

* We're pretty much budgeted as best as we can. The bitches at the collection agencies DEMAND at least $100 a month for payment and don't want any less, so even the $25 I had been trying to send wasn't good enough to keep them from going to an attorney.

* Selling the cars is impossible. The minivan (which is four months behind in payment) is my wife's sole means of getting to her job. She works 45 minutes away, so she needs that reliable transportation that she couldn't get if we were to try to sell it and get a cheaper car. The back payments would eat up anything we could use to buy another car. My beater belongs to the credit union because we took out a loan two years ago when we were both working full-time.

* I am on Cymbalta, which is the best antidepressant we found that has the fewest side effects. Don't even take Lexapro. That shit is addictive and hard to get off of. I went on a roadtrip and forgot it -- I was so dizzy I couldn't even drive.

* The marriage is strained at best and pretty much always has been (19 years). Topping that off, the closest newspapers are an hour away, and I'm six hours away from where I'd like to live. My wife signed a contract and has to be there until school's out.

* I have a great counselor, but the co-pay is now $25 a pop. I have talked with the place and they're going to try to get my costs lowered.

* The things I haven't shared are just as, if not more, negative than the things I have shared. So I really am not hiding anything that would make things appear better. For instance:

* Our 16-year-old daughter is now depressed. She is a soccer stud and started varsity as a freshman. She knows any job I get means another move.

* Our son has Asperger's syndrome (mild autism), is ADHD, ADD and slight OCD. He is a joy, but his meds is what killed us with the one pharmacy. We now have a health card for him, though, so we don't pay any out-of-pocket for him. And no, I wouldn't trade him for anything.

* I left a $30,000 a year job because of stress with the new asshole SE. With my wife graduating and getting a teaching job, we were THIS fucking CLOSE to turning the corner in our lives that we'd always dreamed of.

* Do I regret quitting? Part of me does. Not only am I responsible for supporting my family (and that was shoved down my throat at church), but we were THIS fucking CLOSE. That said, I was closing in on a heart attack or stroke because of this fucktard. He had me shaking so bad I couldn't even type.

* The only thing I struggle with in this career is I'm shy and not outgoing. I do fine with covering games, talking with players and coaches, and even parents. I've come a LONG way. I am weak when it comes to covering non-sports assignments (which the piece of shit SE purposely exploited for his own bemusement). I am very competitive and driven, and can be defensive or standoffish, which is what makes some people not like me. That said, the only people I've ever heard of that don't like me are guys who don't even know me but talk about me behind my back. One guy I had only met once in my life, when I interviewed him for a job.

* My references include three former supervisors (two SEs), who would attest of my abilities in writing, page design and editing. I am the only person I've known of that won a special section award in this state FOR A SPORTS TAB.

* I have run the gamut with God. My last SE was my best friend and we worked GREAT together. The day after I began thanking God for my job was the day he told me he was leaving. I still blame God for bringing the piece of shit in as SE.

* I accept that nobody's life is perfect. But when it gets shoved in your face, over and over again, that less deserving people are blessed with things that you've been praying years for, then I get nasty. I'm just that way when I see injustice in this godforsaken world.

* Barring a miracle, this will be my kids' third straight Christmas without a tree or gifts from their parents. Thank God for mothers-in-law, is all I can say. And I know it's not about the presents and all that, but try telling that to a 10-year-old with the mind of an 8-year-old when all of his friends come around with great stuff for Christmas.

* My hobbies are at a standstill. I chase storms. I collect sports cards and figures. One is out of season and the other costs money. TV sucks. iTunes get old after a while, especially when half my favorite songs are perfect descriptions of my life (see the lyrics to "Runaway Train" and "Against the Wind" for examples).

* I truly want to be optimistic that things will get better. You know how therapists tell you to fall backwards and they will catch you? Well, I have been dropped so many times, you'll have to forgive me if I don't expect anyone to catch me. I have lost two good jobs for reasons not my own, raise a special-needs boy, and do everything I can to help others. My son needs a yard where he can play safely and my daughter has been begging for a dog (we live in an apartment). All I know is that I can not provide that for them.

* Thanksgiving was spent in the ER with my wife, who thought she had appendicitis. We still haven't eaten Thanksgiving dinner. We promised sait son that we would go to the local buffet for Thx dinner.

* Aside from my kids, I have no joy. I was able to get excited about Mizzou beating KU and the possibility of a title game, but that just turns me into a fanboy looser. It is, though, all I have to look forward to. I'm up all night because of insomnia, and every day is another miracle that I haven't had a heart attack from all the stress.

* Did I mention we were THIS CLOSE to turning the fucking corner?

 

The people who really know me would tell you I'm not the best person to suggest a postive outlook, but I can tell you that worse than not having more things to be thankful for is taking for granted the things you do have.

Good luck turning that corner.

 

I've never taken antidepressants, even when I needed them most, and this is mostly the reason why.

My mom swears by hers, and has offered any support or assistance in finding a good one if I ever so desire. I know a lot of people, and it seems a few of y'all on this thread are among them, who have benefited greatly from antidepressants. I've recommended my friends to get them, when they thought they needed it. I like them, or at least the idea of them. And I might consider them, if a doctor really insisted they'd help.

But no matter how low I go -- and I've been at a pretty low point the last 2-3 months -- I just can't bring myself to go that route.

I'll go to therapy (which worked wonders when I was at rock bottom in 2001-02), I'll write it all out, I'll talk it all out, I'll do anything I need to do, take as long as I need to take ... but I can't wrap my brain around taking a pill when I get in those funks. And I think I've psyched myself out of it so well that it would seem to be a form of defeat if I ever decided to finally do it. For better or worse, that's the way I feel about it. Maybe that'll change. So far, it hasn't.

It's an everyday battle, and you all know it as well as I do. But I'd rather keep fighting that fight, every day, than to "give up" and go that route. Some days, I lose that fight. Some days, I win. Perhaps medicine would help -- but I fear it would make me apathetic, and there's nothing that would eat at me more than if I lost my passion. As much as it could help in other ways, I don't think I could look myself in the mirror if I had that attitude.

So I keep fighting, winning and losing. I don't know if that's good for me. But that's the only way I know how to fight it. And I think I'm too scared to consider another way, unless I feel I have no other options left.

 

Harley:

At the risk of being obvious, I would say don't buy the newspaper where you used to work. You know it is going to be bad, so buying it will just upset you. It may be hard, but don't look at it.

Second, there may be Family Service or some similar agency where payments are on a sliding scale. Perhaps they can figure out a way you can get medications at a reasonable price.

Third, after a period where I was pretty low about 20 years ago, I managed to have a little time and money and, to make a long story somewhat shorter, I went to Paris. While there, I went to the Louvre with the intention of seeing all of the famous works of art - the Mona Lisa and a bunch of other works whose name I can't remember because it is late.

Anyway, there was a painting called something like the Rescue of the Medusa (somebody correct the name if I'm wrong). The story of this painting (I think the artist is Delacroix) is that a ship went down and there were survivors on a raft. I think some people were saved after more than a week - 12 days is the figure I remember. There are three triangles. At the bottom of the picture, some people are dying and you can see the look on their faces. At the top of the picture, you see somebody waving a shirt to try to attract the attention of a ship which is passing.

As you go up on the picture, you can see the change and the increasing hope of the faces in the picture. It was a great lesson to me, that your outlook can depend on how you are looking at things.

 

Can't speak to anyone's issues but my own, so please don't construe the following as advice.

But yeah, like B-Dub, I can't bring myself to do the pills, either.

I love life and am grateful for the plethora of blessings that are mine, though my appreciation of them isn't as consistent as it should be.

However, I know damn well that I have some degree of depression, though it's never been diagnosed. Both my parents have/had it and so have other family members. It's slowed me down and robbed me of focus. I've been a drunk and a stoner. But here's why I resist the meds-

I fear losing the positive aspect of dissatisfaction- the kick-in-the-ass part that makes me want more than I have. I've numbed myself with recreational drugs in the past and that led nowhere. I don't want to numb myself with prescriptions. I have plenty of legitimate reasons to be dissatisfied- I'm pretty damn talented but work in an obscure job for piddly-ass wages. My lack of satisfaction with this situation keeps my eye on something more. I don't want to be zoned out into complacency. The same dynamics apply in my personal life- I feel as though I'm capable of delivering much more than my current station calls for.

If this is complete foolishness, feel free to offer an alternate view. Open to suggestions over here.

 

that makes plenty of sense, irish.

 

This whole meds/no meds issue is a difficult one since it's more or less impossible to quantify, so people basically just pick and choose the evidence that supports whatever they emotionally want to believe. I try to avoid that, but some degree of prejudice is inevitable.

 

Sounds like some good advice on here. There's only one thing I'd add, something I try to impress upon my wife all the time.

If you get really down when things go wrong ... make SURE that you're just as happy when things go right.

Sounds simplistic, I know. But the worst thing you can do is have something go well and have the reaction, "Well, the other shoe's going to drop any time now...". Be darn sure that you're allowing yourself the euphoria, too.

And keep those things handy in your memory bank. So when you're feeling down, remember how good life can be, too. And it will get there sometime again.

 

I have nothing add but my best wishes, so many good things having been said already. As for medication, I was resistant but once I tried it I would never go back. Has made life so much more managable with no side effects at all, as far as I'm aware.

Tolstoy said "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way" and I think it's likely no two people experience depression exactly the same way. Some experience a feeling that fate is conspiring against them, some feel that they are the cause and/or source of any bad luck and some are so rooted in feelings of misery and unworthiness that it doesn't matter whether they have the outward trappings of success since that is not their inward experience.

HH - it sounds like you've been through hell. Personally, I admire your courage in getting up again when life knocks you down. And you're not alone as you can tell from the responses you've gotten on here. Continue to reach out for support and you'll be surprised how much farther you can continue.