Depression, Part II

I have no problem with antidepressants whatsoever.

In September 06, I wasn't on them, and my whole life turned upside down on several fronts, none of which were for the good. I was hesitant to go back on anti-depressants until I remembered one GREAT side-effect:

You can fuck for hours. You get a workout, you get happy and refreshed...best of all, you get phone calls, texts and emails from women begging for it.

Signed,

Single and on Lexapro and Wellbutrin

 

Unfortunately, my wife only gets paid once a month (15th). That check will pay rent and one car payment, a loan payment, all the utilities, car insurance and catch us up on the overdraw at the bank. The rent and car payment come first; the loan and car insurance is automatically deducted.

If there's any left, our daughter gets to keep her paycheck that week and we buy groceries. We try to go out one night a week because mental health has a respite night for our son. We also try to do something as a family once a month (we usually let our son pick), bowling, putt-putt, eating at his favorite buffet, buy an action figure -- one of those things. Those have been scaled back for the most part lately, though.

I'm trying hard to be optimistic. I am starting to think about the positives in life, and the realization that there are others who have it worse. I spend as much time with our son as I can (at one time we were afraid his bone plates had stopped growing -- it scared the shit out of us). Despite his disabilities, he is a joy to be with. I'm also trying hard to spend some quality time with our daughter, who is slowly starting to open up to me. I pity her because I went to three high schools. She would like to stay here, but it's really out of the question. My prayer is that I find a job where she can go to a school with a soccer program, hopefully a good one. But it's rough on a teenager to move away so much.

Part of me is trying to put the past behind me and move on, but a big part of me still has a lot of pent-up hatred for the piece of shit SE. I tell myself I should have stood up more, that I shouldn't have backed down, that I never should have left. Then my mind starts to wander about all the things I would do in the deepest, darkest places of my mind, so I know I can't go there.

It would be easier to live one day at a time if every day didn't bring more bad news.

 

Now, I'm depressed.

 

If I would have known this, I wouldn't have used alcohol to get over the depression of my divorce. Of course, whiskey dick makes it so you can fuck for hours as well - just not with a very desirable ending.

 

harley - as far as your former SE is concerned, read what WI profoundly wrote several posts back about family ...

"I feel much more compassionate toward my family once I decided to lower the fuck out of my expectations. I feel much better and am not burdening myself with expecting them to be capable of behavior that just isn't in them."

this fuck of an SE you're speaking about isn't even family. fuck him, dude. really, fuck him and let it go. do it for nobody else other than yourself and a weight the size of a fucking house will be lifted from your head.

please, just think about it.

 

I've been working real hard at it, Tom. My counselor started by making me stop putting his face on my workout bag.

I'm doing better, but I'd be doing a hell of a lot better if I had another job. Still, I know what you mean.

It's the attitude. My attitude is bad because I see everything that's bad. I'm working on what's good.

My son and I plan to watch "'Cause Stone Cold Says So" this weekend. I love to watch him giggle, even if it's at the expense of profanity. We'll probably watch it 10 times before New Year's.

I'm trying to pump up my daughter and pull her up from depression. That's a tough one.

And hey, I don't have to work with the piece of shit ever again. That's a real positive. He can go to hell -- and surely will. He is being measured by the (lack of) quality of his work. If the ME really is afraid of him, then the whole paper will go to shit. His day will come. What comes around goes around. He'll have a much higher power to answer to than me. And if I find him on our doorstep, well, it's self-defense and I'm going to take out one hell of a lot of pent-up anger out.

Thanks, Tom; I feel better already.

 

harley - for nobody but yourself. you can't pay for peace of mind, it's priceless. it also helps everything else in life fall into place.

i understand how you feel better than you might think.

 

A few days ago back on the awards thread, I read DD's "writer's lament" thread. Re-read it again today. I just wanted to air this out rather than keep it inside and fester. Hopefully it'll help.

I recently applied for a position at a major metro, where I happen to know one of the higher-ups. For the first time since I graduated college three years ago, I get an interview. A few hundred people applied and I was one of less-than-12 to get called in. When I go, it's my contact and the SE who interview me, and I feel I did fairly well. Four-plus weeks later, when I come home from my other job, I find a message on my machine saying that while they enjoyed talking with me, they're going in another direction. (I'm eternally grateful that the g/f was there to soften the blow) The next day, I call my guy to offer thanks & good luck to the person who got it. I also inquire about another opening in the same paper for a position that I feel I'm very qualified for. I get told that they're looking for someone with more experience.

Now, I know that this business is tight, and I'm not stunned that I was turned down. I'm disappointed, but not angry or bitter. I'm just tired of living at home, working the same shitty job with little hope of any chance to be promoted to full-time. Plus, as of Jan. 1, I have to start paying my own insurance (and I have a nasty history of sports injuries & that little depression-thingy I take happy pills for) and the bills are already mounting. The worst part is seeing people I went to college with already in sweet gigs, and I'm still stuck in neutral.

My chest has been tight with anxiety since 6:45 pm Sunday and all I want to do is go home, hop in bed and sleep forever. My friends & family have given me words of encouragement & support, and I realize I still have my health, loving family and friends. It just gets so goddamn frustrating. So many people, including those who we here at SportsJournalists.com heap endless praise on, have said I have the talent & drive to make it big, and all I feel is that I just disappoint them over and over.

Thanks for tolerating this rant. Right now, I just want to cry, but since I'm at work, that's not an option. Oh, well.

 

Harley: I wish you good luck in finding a job, but a job is what you do not who you are. Once you let a job define you, self-esteem is based on somebody who has power over your employment rather than letting your ability define who you are as a professional.

 

I understand what you're saying, and I know you mean well.

I have never considered myself as a journalist (which I am), whether I have a job or not.

But I am a father. And I cannot support my family. And that's the bottom line.

 

harley - stop focusing on the bullshit and refocus on making it better. you're starting to walk down a one-way path you want no part of. you're better than that; you are because i've "talked" with you enough to know as much.

you are a father, yes, and maybe you can't give your kids the world right now, but you can give them your love, which is much, much more fucking priceless.

focus on what matters, my man.

 

Hang in there. I can tell you from personal experience that will get better.

On Feb. 12, I took stock of my life, saw how far it had fallen in two years and decided to drive to an undisclosed location, take a mixture of pills and call it a life. Right before I took the keys and drove off, I made one more call to a helpline. The 15 minutes I stayed on the phone and the willingness to find immediate help is the only reason I am typing this now. It took a lot of strength to find reasons to keep going forward (and this site was one of them at times), but each day got better.

Almost 10 months later, my life is a complete 180. There's the usual BS that goes along in this field, but it's piddly compared to what could have happened. I don't share this story with many people, but if I can help you with my words, I am more than willing to do so.

There is light at the end of the 'ol tunnel. Just keep looking at it and move towards it.