ESPN's Britt McHenry is Not Nice....

There has never been anything funnier, ever, anywhere, than Clubber's a day in the life post. Frozen lemons!

 

I ain't talked to 21 in quite a while, so all dating inquiries can be directed to clubberslang69@gmail.com.

 

me and @kingcreole are good friends. worked together at the joint here.
Him and another gentleman are solely responsible for a minor meltdown on radio at a juco baseball game some years ago.
I'm doing the game, creole and another guy are in the booth. creole doing his story, and the s.i.d is doing notes.
Middle of summer, who gives a damn type of doubleheader.
Ump at first is 65 years old if he's a day.
Guy hits a fucking pissrod right at him, and as God is my witness, this son of a bitch does not move. Hands on knees the entire time. Misses his head by inches.
I make the comment that either the first base umpire is either dead or taking one helluva nap.
The 3 of us proceed to lose our fucking minds laughing.
I'm laughing so hard, I have to hit the mute button and hold it for several seconds just to try to regain some composure.........in fact, the mute button was held for so long a couple of times, the board operator hung up on me, and I had to call back. I tell the audience of 10's listening that we're having technical difficulties.

Every time we see each other, we just start laughing.

 

I vividly remember busting him and Dooley's balls about anything pertaining to Mizzou.

 

This has potential to be the best thread EVER.

 

Beginning to suspect that some of you aren't actually lonely housewives, which is the base line I've always operated with here.

 

CLUBBER SLANG PRESENTS: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF HOCKEYBEAT

11:47 a.m. (EST) -- wakes up in his usual puddle of urine on his spongebob squarepants sheets.
11:48 a.m. -- logs on to SportsJournalists.com, to see what clubber has said about him now.
11:50 a.m. -- cries.
11:55 a.m. -- replies to clubber: "i'm through with you. i don't care if you live or die."
11:56 a.m. -- starts yelling at his clubber voodoo doll, sticking pins in it and putting tape over its mouth.
11:58 a.m. -- celebrates by rubbing one out
11:59 a.m. -- cleans up mess as mama hockeybeat yells at him to get off his ass.
12:03 p.m. -- jumps in his sesame street bubble bath and plays with his boats.
12:22 p.m. -- eats rice krispies and takes flintstone vitamins
12:46 p.m. -- grabs his lunch mama hockeybeat made for him and runs off to his "part-time job at an NYC daily."
12:48 p.m.-- realize his bike has a flat tire, asks mom for a ride to "work."
12:58 p.m. -- arrives at work two minutes early, ready to start his day.
1:03 p.m. -- grabs his stack of newspapers and begins work, stands on street corner, selling copies of the paper.
1:10 p.m. -- frustrated that no one is buying his newspapers, cries again.
1:14 p.m. -- recovers and calls sports department of newspaper, asking if they need any help covering a game. is told by agate clerk, "ya buddy, keep covering those youth hockey games, we're gonna run 'em as a series."
1:17 p.m. -- goes back to street corner smiling. "that'll show mizzougrad and clubber."
2:03 p.m. -- sells second paper of the day.
2:14 p.m. -- rehearses telephone manner for long-awaited call to sportswriter
2:30 p.m. -- car drives by and someone throws frozen lemons at him.
2:32 p.m. -- cries
2:37 p.m. -- grabs pocket radio, listens to sports talk radio. yells back at callers, calling them "dicks."
2:38 p.m. -- passerby thinks he has tourrette's.
2:58 p.m. -- hears something funny on radio, writes it down. "i'll get clubber with this one."
3:30 p.m.-- mama hockeybeat picks him up after his hard day of work. "i remember working on that same corner," she says. "oh," hockeybeat answers, "you used to sell papers, too, mom?" "no," she replies, "we'll have to save that story for another day, son."
3:42 p.m. --- arrives home, goes right to porn stash. finds porn mags missing. yells, "mom, did you borrow my porn again?" mama answers, "hockeybeat, you're 25, you really should get laid."
3:46 p.m. -- begins to fantasize about sportswriter
3:52 p.m. -- checks out sports web sites, cuts and pastes stories onto SportsJournalists.com message board. "this will help me get to 2,000 posts sooner."
3:53 p.m. -- surfs SportsJournalists.com, finds someone making fun of clubber, prints it out and shows him mom, then hangs it on the fridge.
3:54 p.m. -- begins to tell mama hockeybeat about his best friend, his double play partner, BitterYoungHack. goes on about how great bitteryounghack is and how funny he is and how much he likes him.
4:12 p.m. -- picks up the phone, like everyday, and begins to dial sportswriter's phone numbers. gets to the lastnumber and hangs up.
4:13 p.m. -- cries.
4:34 p.m. -- goes onto SportsJournalists.com and starts making fun of cubs and others, dropping f-bombs left and right to make himself feel more like a man.
4:49 p.m. -- sends sportswriter a private message, copy and pasted song lyrics.
4:52 p.m. -- continues work on his 2,000-post celebration news story. "people are really going to like me once I get to 2,000 posts"
5 p.m. -- watches old barney tapes
6 p.m. -- notices another urine puddle on bed.
6:13 p.m. -- eats dinner.
6:45 p.m. -- goes to cover youth hockey game.
7:59 p.m. -- post game interviews. asks gripping questions such as: "so coach, great game tonight ..." "just taking it one game at a time, huh?" "what was the difference tonight?"
8:13 p.m. -- begins work on 12" story.
9:13 p.m. -- finishes lead.
10:56 p.m. -- finishes story. "if i only had a job, i would win an APSE for this one."
11:45 p.m. -- picks up the phone again and begins to dial sportswriter's phone numbers. gets to the last number and hangs up.
12:02 a.m. -- goes back to SportsJournalists.com, makes about 10 posts on random subjects.
12:13 a.m. -- sees comment from Clubber. covers ears and yells for five minutes.
12:18 a.m. -- grabs baseball bat and starts beating his pillows with it. yelling "leave me along clubber, i hate you, i hate you so much."
12:34 a.m. -- PMs BitterYoungHack and sportswriter to complain how he wishes clubber would die.
12:55 a.m. -- responds to clubber: "i'm through with you. i don't care if you live or die."
1:12 a.m. -- throws clubber voodoo doll against the wall.
1:25 a.m. -- PMs sportswriter, "i like you a lot. i just like to take it slow."
1:30 a.m. -- fantasizes more about sportswriter. falls asleep, clutching his teddy bear and begins to wet himself again.

 

Clubber's return reminds me how back in the day, everyone could argue yet quickly find a common ground and bond. We clashed something fierce but then somehow hit it off. Frankly, I think it was the frozen lemons thread which was so fucking outlandishly funny that I had no choice but to acknowledge its brilliance. But I remember arguing with Flash, @Moderator1 , @cranberry and many others, all of whom I count as friends now. I was always arguing with whatever the fuck @QYFW called himself back in the day and he's a great friend (don't tell him I said that).

Shit seemed to change sometime near the end of the last decade and get more personal and more heated as we all got more entrenched in our stances. I'm sure there's an easy parallel to draw to how awful politics became at the same time. But over time, even me and @outofplace became friendly. And I suppose I'd let @YankeeFan brew me a cup of coffee too. Basically I like everyone here except one guy. @Double Down knows what I'm talking about.

 

See, Britt's not so bad ... she brought Clubber back to the llama farm.

 

starman and boom should be allowed back if they agree to only post in this thread for a week

 

YES!!!!!!!!! IT LIVES!!!!!