Funniest thing you have read on The Onion

That one made me almost drop to the floor in a fit of laughter.

Another one of my favorites was also done as a skybox headline: Notorious B.I.G. cremation enters third week.

 

The HOLY FUCK MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON headline still kills me...

Jesus returns to the NBA is an oldie, but classic.

 

Lewinsky Subpoenaed To Re-Blow Clinton On Senate Floor
'We Must Know Exactly What Happened,' Say Legislators

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29308

QED

 

"Hammurderer" is probably tops, but this also merits some consideration:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29285

 

My favorite made up story involved Sportspickle.com. It was about some bum who was labeled cool because he had a 30 year old throwback jersey that he wore over his coat, to keep the coat from ripping open.

Vintage jerseys were in so he was now cool. He said he find the jersey, a Wilt Chamberlain one, by a dead hooker in an alley.

 

What This Town Needs Is A Really Shitty Community Newspaper
BY LORRAINE OSTROVE
DECEMBER 18, 2002 | ISSUE 38•47

 

This one is the online version of the Dead Sea Scrolls--it was originally published online in 1997 and still makes me laugh: New Cambodian Barnes & Noble

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30084

It is always the same temperature in here, not like the tent where my family lives in the jungle," said Pursat resident Chun Baro from a secluded spot deep within the bookstore's "Wellness And Nutrition" section. "I do not care if I am executed for being in a book store, as my father and three brothers were in 1979. I am cool and dry."

and

Like Norresaprong, farmer Chira Samrong is also a voracious reader—and a serious lover of Tolstoi, to boot. Loading his ox cart with 54 copies of War And Peace, he said, "If I can obtain 200 of such books, I can build a house that will withstand the bullets of Hun Sen's guerrillas and Ranariddh's royalists. My wife was shot in the face last spring."

 

The headline's NSFW, but I'll say the first word of it. If you've read it, you know it from this alone.

"Bereaved?"

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33430

 

They had a story about OJ claiming his wife was killed by elves. This came out right out during the trial and I laughed so hard I was thrown out of class.

 

Remember "Area bassist fellated"?

 

I used to have the Onion shirt that said, "Your favorite band sucks"

It's still funny 14 years later.

 

You beat me to it.
I'm going to hell for it, but that's probably the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.