funny jokes

Best stuff on here is the explanation of how to count to five in French. Painfully hilarious. "Why did Troy's cat sink?"

 

Another gem from the Wenalway site:

The lady at the Immigration and Naturalization office came into the office late one day to see a room full of people. She took a moment to overhear a conversation already in progress before her anonymity was compromised. Two Italians were engaged in an animated conversation. Her attention was galvanized when she heard one of them say:

First Emma, she coma.
Then I coma.
Then to asses they bump togetha'.
Then I coma again.
Then to asses they bump togetha' again.
Then I coma again.
Then pee twice.
Then I coma one lasta' time.
"You foul mouth swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

He says to her, "Hey, coola downa lady. Imma justa teachin' my frena' howa' to spella' Mississippi."

 

A drunk man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick,

and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.

After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks,

"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The disgusted priest answers: "Loose living, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."

"I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes: "I'm very sorry; I didn't mean to be so harsh. How bad is your arthritis?"

"Oh, I don't have it," replies the man; "It says here that the Pope does."

 

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.
One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."
"How did you get it fixed?"
"Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose.
The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.
That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind.
As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on.
He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey, look!" She rolls over, turns on the light and says,
"You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

 

Suzie walked up to her dad while he was watching a baseball game and asked if she could borrow the car.

"Dad, I'm 17 now, can I please, please, pretttty please borrow the car," Suzie begged.

The Dad grimaced and turned to his daughter.

"Now, Suzie," the father said. "You know the family rule. No one uses the car. That's final."

Suzie stomped and pouted, and continued her pleading.

"Please daddy," Suzie said. "I'll do anything. Any chore around the house. Anything daddy."

The Dad put down his newspaper, looked around the living room and unzipped his pants.

"Alright baby," Dad said. "You can borrow the car this weekend if you suck my dick."

At first the daughter was disgusted, but she realized how important this weekend was. Bobby Quarterback was going to be at a party, and Suzie had a big crush.

"Alright," Suzie said, before tucking into her father's knob.

After a few seconds, Suzie began to get a twisted look on her face. She couldn't take it anymore.

"Oh god daddy," Suzie said. "This is terrible. It tastes like shit."

The father slapped his forehead.

"Oh, that's right," Father said. "I already promised the car to your brother this weekend. Sorry hun."

 

Nothing says 'comedy' like incest. Egads.

 

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating anymore and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet
store thinking a pet might help. The store he happens into
specializes in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of
parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters
"I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a
parrot."

The parrot says, "Yes, thank you... I'm a very well educated
parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any
subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking
for."

The parrot replies, "There's not much of a market for maimed
parrots, you know. If you offer the proprietor $2 for me,
I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go
great. Every day when he comes home from work the parrot
tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost,
the Pope did so and so.

But then one day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the
mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her
negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, just a momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did?"

"Yep," says the parrot. "Then he took off her negligee and
started sucking on her breasts."

The guy exclaims, "My God, what happened next???"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off
my perch!"

 

Like I said... I know French.

Obviously, "cars" was a mistake.

And, then I guess I needed a "The" before "Un,deux,trois,quatre,cinq."

 

Three rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs, they start to boast about how tough they are.
The first rat says, "When I woke up, there was a match box of Rat-o-Kill outside my hole. I ate the lot and didn't feel a thing."
After a significant pause and a few more glasses, the second rat chips in,
"When I got up this morning, there was a massive rat trap with an enormous piece of prime cheese for bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a bruise."
At this, the third rat gets up and heads for the door.
"Where are you going?" ask the two other rats. "Aw, I'm bored here. Think I'll go home and f**k the cat again."

 

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.


"I'd like her," he said.


"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a
92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

 

Exactly. "Quatre" is pronounced just like car....

 

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
---
A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."