funny jokes

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.
The judge says, "Mr. Mouse, I understand you want to divorce your wife because you claim she's crazy.'
"No your honor," exclaimed Mickey. "I said she's fucking Goofy."

 

Same theme.

Guy gets home from his weekly golf game and his wife notices he's looking rather fatigued.

Wife: "Honey, what's wrong? You look awful."
Husband: "Well, it's been one helluva day. We're standing on the first tee box this morning, waiting to tee off, and ol' Charlie has a heart attack. Just slumps over right there at our feet."
W: "Oh, my. How's he doing?"
H:"He didn't make it. Died right there on the course."
W: "That's terrible. I guess that really did make for a long day."
H: "Sure as hell did. All day long, it was hit one, and drag ol' Charlie. Hit one, and drag ol' Charlie."

 

Why is a girl's favorite number 77?

Because it's like 69, only you get 8 more.

 

Why is my favorite number 68?

Because I get head, then tell her I'll owe her one.

 

"So there's Papa Tomato, Momma Tomato and Baby Tomato walking along the street. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato starts getting really angry. So, he turns around and squishes Baby Tomato and says, 'Ketchup.'"

 

That's pretty good, KM.

 

Outing alert:
KM is

 

That stolen avatar of yours kicks mucho asso.

 

EDIT: And by the way, Dr. Huxtable loves your joke too
               

 

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

 

Rumsfeld is reporting to the President and the Cabinet. He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

The President says, " Oh, my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet is stunned. Usually George Bush shows no reaction whatsoever to these reports.

Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a Brazilian??"

 

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell," just can't stay on the church roof.