funny jokes

did yoiu know they're coming out with Viagra in the generic form?

it will be called mycoxaflopin

 

From the e-mail archives....

TOP 10 CARTOON CHARACTERS MOST LIKELY TO USE DRUGS

10. Gargamel: Most likely LSD. spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys
in faggy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. what does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

9. Olive Oil: Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.

8. Snagglepuss: Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

7. HeMan: This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse.

6.&5. Yogi and Boo Boo: We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look at boo boo.

4. Droopy: The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two? The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.

3. Dopey Dwarf: He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigations. Allegations that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys that are partaking are afloat.

2. Daffy Duck: If he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky though.

1. Shaggy: By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee,the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van!

 

another from the e-mail archives...

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.

When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my legs and warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

Peter ...
I can see your house from up here.

 

OK, since this thread is still going, here's another one.

An elephant is walking through the jungle in Africa when she falls into a pit of quicksand. As she's sinking, a mouse walks past.

The elephant calls out to the mouse that she's sinking and asks the mouse to run over a ridge and alert the rest of the pack of elephants to come and help.

The mouse does as asked and the other elephants come and pull the first elephant out of the quicksand. Thankful, the elephant tells the mouse that she'll do anything she can for the mouse.

The mouse replies: "Well, I've always wanted to fuck an elephant, so can I fuck you?"

The elephant thinks this is a ridiculous request but agrees.

The mouse runs around back, climbs up the elephant's back leg and starts going to town.

After about 5 minutes, the elephant forgets that the mouse is back there and can't feel anything and starts to walk away. As she does so, she steps on a rock and says, "Ouch!" and the mouse says "That's right, bitch. Take it all."

 

A 70-year-old woman places an ad in the personals section of the paper. She is looking for a man who won't smack her around; won't run around on her; and who still has what it takes in bed.
A couple days pass and the doorbell rings. She answers, and there is a quadriplegic in a wheel chair.
She asked him what he wanted.
“I'm answering your personal ad,” he said.
“Really?” she said. “How do you qualify?”
“I have no arms, so I can't beat you,” he said. “I have no legs, so I can't run around on you.”
“What about being satisfying in bed?” she asked.
“I rang the door bell, didn't I?” he said.

 

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!