George Michael's Sports Machine

Before or after "Hey, Deenie"?

 

Hey, the 14-year-old me liked that song. Wish he would have produced a series based on that song.

 

After "Da Doo Doo Ron Da Doo Doo Ron: The Series."

I just looked it up. I think the show I'm thinking of is "Hollyweird." Think it was snapped up by Fox, which shelved it like a month before it was supposed to premiere.

 

Gary Cole's most memorable quote:
"Wherever you go... there you are."

 

Is he still kissing Redskin ass, as was his historical wont?

 

You guys better watch your ass! Seriously, calm the fuck down! I don't want to see any of you get hurt!

I knew someone who knew someone who worked with George Michael. I'm going to write this in a hushed tone, but the Sports Machine is real! It really does control our sports highlights as well as nearly every other aspect of our lives.

Michael originally had it built as a sports gimmick, but he was used a dupe by the CIA, who set up a dummy corporation to to experiment with mind-control via sports. The CIA put experimental mind-control technology into the machine and a method of artificial intellgence they stole off of a spaceship in remote Nevada. What they unwittingly did was give the Sports Machine life and the ability to control our lives!

In a scenario reminscent of Lawnmower Man, eventually the Sports Machine grew to control all around it. Michael has been a slave to the machine since at least 1985. It controls every aspect of his life, emitting a low register sound wave that causes insanity if Michael defies it. The eye-candy is, well, eye-candy. The Sports Machine likes a good rack as much as anyone.

As the Sports Machine has learned more about the world around it, the more it saw the advantage in laying low. Using its control of Disney as a cover, it created the family of ESPN networks, to drive down the syndicated show's ratings. Through a mind-controlled agent, the Sports Machine sent a P.I. to Rupert Murdoch, saying it would reveal his preliction for tounge-massaging Robert Maxwell's scrotum if he didn't start the Fox family of sports networks.

Since then, the Sports Machine has gone on its mission of banal-izing America so it can effectively control it. The emphasis on entertainment on ESPN is just one example. Via intimidation of Murdoch, we have American Idol.

The Sports Machine is also responsible for ...

-- The George Bush administration, particularly its war-like ways. In a weak moment, the Sports Machine revealed the alien from which it borrows its articifical intelligence was not well-hung. By-the-book compensation for a shortcoming.
-- The Flag Burning Amendment, the Sports Machine laughs as we focus on something 99.9 percent of us will never do and 98 percent of will never see.
-- Rising energy prices
-- The slow acceptance of embracing commercialism in every aspect of our lives.
-- Bird flu.
-- The U.S. performance in the World Cup.
-- Hollywood's dependance on sequels, TV shows and comic books in nearly every major release.
-- The rise of trade schools over universities.
-- Git-R-Done comedy.
-- Most of my posts.

So, DO NOT FUCK WITH GEORGE MICHAEL'S SPORTS MACHINE! The conservative count is that there's 12 buttons that represent 12 ways to kill a man on that thing! You know you're fucked if the last words you hear are, "Let's go to the highlight ... "

Don't be a sucker.

 

The Sports Machine also introduced Brad and Angelina.

 

The Sports Machine once killed a man in Reno for making a George Michael gay sex joke.

 

The Sports Machine forced Dale, Sr. into the wall at Daytona to boost ratings.

 

The Sports Machine gave us soccer moms and minivans

 

The Sports Machine cannot keep George Michael from getting old, however. The guy has to be close to 70 (and that's even older than me and JR!).

Before he became a sportscaster he was a rock DJ....first in Philly in the late 60s then he succeeded Bruce Morrow at WABC in NY in about '73 or '74. He went into TV sports in the late 70s after he flopped as a Top 40 DJ in NYC.

 

The Sports Machine was the man on the grassy knoll.