Greeting cards: WTF?

*doffs cap*

 

from www.otherannouncements.com

UNENGAGEMENT - WOMAN
Outside: Single
Inside: Picked the wrong guy. Gave him the wrong finger. Thanks for your support.

CALLED OFF WEDDING
Outside: Wedding bells are ringing.
Inside: Somewhere else. Don't save the date. Forget the date.

DIVORCE - MEN
Outside: I didn't end the relationship.
Inside: I just said we should sleep with other people. She's the one who called it off. I'm free.

GAY SON
Outside: Need storage?
Inside: I've got room in the closet. My son just came out.

LIVING TOGETHER
Outside: Lucifer lives here.
Inside: We're living in sin. Our address...

MISCARRIAGE
Outside: I'm not fat.
Inside: But I'm not pregnant anymore. We're hoping to try again soon. Thanks for your support.

There are also ones celebrating plastic surgery...

 

When I was at Crain's Cleveland Business (circa 1996-97), I took a tour of American Greetings headquarters. AG was just starting online cards, so part of the tour was showing me what it was going to put on the web. It was a lot of romantic love-type cards, and I asked if they also did gay-themed cards. The tour leader said, "Um, no, we can't have anything that might be considered offensive," as he opened a romantic online card to reveal a guy farting.

 

BANNED FROM SportsJournalists.com

Sorry you got booted from the SJ site,
After getting into an big verbal fight.
Perhaps you can register under a
new user name,
Then pretend you aren't DyePack
to hide your shame.

 

Topics I'd like to see:

Deportation

Entering a Nursing Home

Totally Blowing an Audition

Screwing Up on Live TV

Winning Your Fantasy League

Learning You've Fathered a Skank's Baby on a Talk Show

 

Outstanding choices.

 

Getting a Vasectomy

Getting Fired from a Job

 

THE FRONT:

Sure, he kicked your ass, but you got a few good shots in

How were you suppossed to know that was his girl upon whom you were mackin'

A pool cue to the head can really ruin a good night

And your face looked like shit after he landed that solid right

I'm sorry I didn't have your back, I was in the can taking a leak...

INSIDE:

But I called our boys Sully and J-Dub, so we'll be waiting for the cocksucker next week.

 

Getting good news from your VD test

Checking into a celebrity rehab clincic

Finding a $20 bill in your pocket at the laundrymat

Waking up with a hangover while laying next to an unknown bar skank.

 

Oops, the DNA test means we're sorry about the last 35 years.

You really seemed so guilty
On that your peers agreed
But now we must release you
Like the real killer you're free!

 

I went thank-you card shopping last week. I was looking for just one card. (I had some at home, but I wanted to send one after an interview while I was on the road.) Every damn thing below $5 was Velveeta squared. Same for baby-shower cards. I mean, can't Hallmark and the other companies come up with some plain, no-frills, straight forward cards that don't cost an arm and a leg?

 

ABORTION
Outside: Keep your head up
Inside: He probably would have been a serial killer anyway

LOSING A RELATIVE ON THE OREGON TRAIL
Outside: Your son died doing what he loved
Inside: Dying of dysentary

RESTRAINING ORDER
Outside: Absence makes the heart grow fonder ...
Inside: ... fonder of guys who aren't losers