Have you ever heard your woman pass gas? To the women: Why hide it?

Everybody farts, hondo.

Sometimes, everybody rips ass.

 

Why, yes, I have heard "my" woman pass gas. Just a few minutes ago, actually. We were on the back deck and I heard a "poot" and she fessed right up, which shocked me because we had company over and she was holding a baby in her arms. She coulda just blamed it on the kid.

 

Dude, I'm not really talking about "in public." Just sitting at home with your wife or girlfriend ... It's something everyone has to deal with. I think it took about three or four days, maybe it was hours, before I would do it openly in front of my wife.

 

Actually, I didn't realize I farted as much as I do until my kid started talking. Every time I do, in the privacy of my own home, the three year old says, "Eww, daddy pressed the stinky button" and breaks into a giggle.

That reminds of a good story: My wife and my daughter were in line at the grocery store when my daughter ripped a real loud one. Everyone turns to look and my daughter announces, "Ewww, mommy farted."

My wife, who as previously stated still won't fart in front of me after seven years together, was properly mortified.

 

Eat a heaping plate of Alpo, wash it down with puddle water and let's see how fragrant you are.

 

But toilet water smells like roses.

 

Did you check YouTube?

 

Remember the girl who always wanted me to finish on her grille?

Well, if you remember, she wasn't into love-making; rather, she was into fucking. Not delicate about it at. All.

One time, before work, I was doing the old paint-mixer/Muhammad Ali speed bag routine on her, and as Al Roker was talking about tornados in the Plains states in the background, it was time to go Peter North on her.

As I was launching species off the bow and onto the mug, I was like, "Ohhhhh...ohhh...BRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

Fortunately, she couldn't stop laughing, I couldn't stop laughing, and later, she called me to recap the story via speakerphone to all her lawyer buddies.